Deamons of my existence

The deamons are back. My self doubt. My questions. Well, the time has come. Time to embrace the fear, embrace the pain, embrace the deamons that are breaking my heart. It’s the deamons that push me further. They drive me to work harder. They drive me to find that something special. Something extra. More than I thought I had to give. Finding and facing my fear, inadequacies & terror at being anything less than perfect is the only way to achieve perfection in all that I do, and all that I am.

Nothing is ever enough. Nothing is success. I must find failure in everything that I’ve done. There is always something more that can be achieved. Always something, always another percent to give. Find the 1 % that can be improved. Find space for improvement. Find limitations. Challenge myself to find areas to improve. Discover weakness. Embrace the challenge of improvement, punishment & dedication. It’s only through finding errors, misjudgements or 1% mis-execution of my plan that I can grow and improve on my previous internalised limitations. Demand perfection. Demand absolute intensity. Demand committment to my workouts. Demand a steadfast committment to succeed. Demand a workout packed with intensity and a determination to do things right. Packed with passion, drive and a fierce determination to get it 100% right 100% of the time. Demand 100% in consistency in executing my plan – my program for improvement.

I will have a plan in place, a plan that I stick to every day. A plan of rigorous, unforgiving training that drives me towards where I want to be. Planning can also overcome injury, overtraining and plateaus. All have plagued a constant hinderance on my success in achieving the body, self, life that I want. That I need.

The plan is unbreakable. Adjustment is acceptable. Failure is not. Failure is not an option. Determination to succeed. Determination to achieve perfection. From every workout, from every day, from every week. Nothing is more important. Nothing comes first. The workout – the scheduled workout is my only priority for the day. It is all that I strive for. To complete and to have given 100%.

Top Gear

Sad. Depressed. All alone. That’s me. Still hurt by the ex lying to me – took it out on the treadmill and felt great after a banging workout.

0945 – Thermobol, Detox
1000 – Training – 15 x 35:25 Run intervals – 12.0kph, 2% (6), 3% (9). 3 x 10 DB Bench (16s), VT (37.5) DB Lat Raise (5s), Cable Straight arm pulldown (12.5), Leg Press (70, 80, 70). 15 mins bike. Stretch – Hip flexors, glutes, hamstrings, calves, quads (by GI Joe). 1 lit water
11:30 – Thermobol, Promax Diet shake on 250ml Water
12:00 – Hot tub – stretch whole body + some hot/cold shower stuff. 1 lit water
12:40 – I’m knackered!
1530 – Oats, 2 scoops natural yoghurt, 1 plum, 1/2 nectarine. Coffee.
1600 – Coffee. 4 x 2 finger kit kat
1730 – 2 small packets of crisps
1830 – Golf – walked 11 holes – 2 hours. Approx 800cal.
2130 – Small packet of crisps, 150ml skim milk.
2200 – Grilled chicken & green veg, 1/8 avocado, 3 tsp balsamic dressing.

Cracking workout. Really pleased with my run intervals. Feel a lot stronger now running at 12. I think I will max out the speed there for a bit, work on volume – longer intervals and more of them. Sweat was pouring out of me today. After my run I was sitting on the end of a bench, composing myself (“come on, you’ve got to lift this weight”) & a puddle accumulated under where I was hanging my head. Was fair roasting in the gym this morning though. Worked hard, pushed through. Can definitely do more weight on a lot of the exercises I feel. Grip strength is the main issue with VT I think; but my shoulder is giving a little curry at the moment. Feels uncomfortable when I’m at full abduction, elbow just about above my head. Leg press I felt my lower back form giving a little at 80, which is why I dropped the weight for the last set – form over load.

Went out for a bit more of FLOG. I went round the back 9 in 41 shots, which got me 25 points. Absolutely astounding considering the crap I’ve been producing on the last couple of occasions. I did really well…focused on shots, concentrated. Putting was much better. I’ve no idea what the fuck is going on. It pisses me off that I can’t be as good as I want to be. Fucking shit! Why am I swearing so much?

Bit of a headache. Should probably come up with some meat & veg for dinner. I’ve some chicken thawed – just about getting the motivation up to cook it. After Top Gear. Right after Top Gear.

Things that have made me laugh this week:
1. Fies (feesh). Irish dancing competition. Hmmm.
2. NU’s Ireland jumper. Worn to Carnalea. I’d forgotten if I’d given it back to Mrs U. This was mentioned in the gym; to which she replied “We have it at home. I’ve washed it and all”. For a couple of moments there was sheer terror – I didn’t undress in the carpark did I? Finally remembered I wore my pink shirt home – phew. Terror over.
3. Radio Quiz. Q. “What’s the capital of Hungary?”. A. “Germany”. Enough said.
4. African children. HF kindly offered that I should give my curry stained clothes to SW to have washed. “She’s washing everyone’s clothes”. “Why”. “She’s African children”. “What; to wash her clothes?”.

Train relentlessly – never quit, never cheat and never give up.

She

Right. So I slept quite well last night, despite having only 5 hours. Found out who the ex is seeing. Bit of a shock. Wasn’t as upset as I’d expected. But still a bit of a shock. Woke up and felt like training. Woo hoo! Habits. Not training today though as playing golf. My body needs a rest sometimes! Loving this oats, yoghurt & fruit brekkie combo.

1120 – Oats, 2 scoops natural yoghurt & 2 plums. Coffee.
1220 – Golf. 18 holes. 5 hrs (approx 1800cal).
During golf – 600ml coke, 1 nutri-grain soft bake bar, 1 snickers
1800 – 2 Magners light, 1 portion chips with curry sauce
2100 – 1 small packet crisps, 3 x 2 finger kit kat, 2 roast chicken legs (pre-roasted)

The food today was not at all good. I brought a 6 pack of walkers ready salted and expected to woof them all. I also put 3 beers in the fridge planning to woof them too. But come time to get stuck into shite food I didn’t – didn’t want them. That is a positive out of the shite food I ate today. Restraint.

Felt sad going to bed – sad that I’ve been lied to by someone I trust absolutely. Trusted. Shit – I really am the gullible one.

Dads Army

1000 – Thermobol
1030 – Training – 15 mins bike (5 min WU, 10 mins HIIT (100m flat strap lvl 6, 200m recovery lvl4). 2 x 12 FB Crunches/FB Frog Kicks Superset. 30 mins walk 6.0, 2%. Approx 330cal. 1 lit water
1200 – Detox
1300 – Oats, ½ scoop greek yoghurt, 1 scoop natural yoghurt, ½ mango. Handful peanuts. Green Tea.
1500 – Thermobol, coffee
1600 – Tuna, cottage cheese & sweet corn mix, avocado & 25g cheese on 2 slices granary bread
1830 – 1 tsp cottage cheese, 1 tsp natural yoghurt, ½ Mango + 1 medium banana
2030 – Salad with Tuna, coffee
2300 – Handful of peanuts

Training today was good – my legs are fecking tired. Hamstrings are sore. Definitely due to SLDL – shite! Makes me feel like not training; but I did it anyway. It was a bit strange in my head this morning. Not really feeling like training, but I went in anyway. Looked to have a rest today; but for some reason – probably habits I’ve built – I went in anyway. Crazy – but sweet.

Tuna Melt

0915 – Thermobol, Detox & Green Tea
0945 – Training. 10 mins bike, warm up. Chest (heavy) – DBBP (10, 8, 8 @ 18). DBCF (3 x 10 @ 7). Incline DBBP (10 @ 8, 8, 9). DB MB Plyo Chest Throw (3 x 12 @ 5). DB INC Chest Flye (low angle) 2 x 10 @ 5. DBSP 1 x 10 @ 7. 30 mins treadmill, walk.
1130 – Tuna, cottage cheese, sweet corn & 25g cheese on 2 slices Granary Bread – toasted. 10 g cheese.
1210 – 1 nectarine, cup coffee
1530 – Thermobol + Coffee
1615 – Cottage Cheese, greek yoghurt, raspberries + 1 small apple
1900 – salad with tuna
2000 – Tomato & roasted red pepper soup + 1 small white roll + 1 tsp butter
2400 – 1 nectarine, handful pistachios

Feels like I’ve hurt the distal medial portion of my left pec. A bit sore, stabbing pain rather than a twinge. Back & hamstrings are very tight…feels so good. Especially through my back. The tuna melt for brekkie was good. Quite ’strong’ in flavour – surprise surprise – but was quick (especially now I’ve the mix made up), packed with protein, some carbs for muscle recovery & different. Oats tomorrow I think. Last night I wanted chicos, and had planned to have a couple, but realised after drinking some water that I didn’t actually want some. I think the tuna, cottage cheese & corn mix would be perfect with grated carrott on ryvita. Hmmm. Going to try some cottage cheese with some chopped raspberries bunged in. We’ll see how it goes.

Reunion

Woke up feeling tired, so slept an hour later than I’d planned. Didn’t get to bed early enough last night – really need to fix that. Habits kicking in though. Got up and straight off to the gym. Had planned to do legs – haven’t done them for a while, 4 days till I play golf again – should be alright. School reunion date was posted today. Can’t go as won’t be in Australia. Somewhat sad about that – but not entirely. I’m not flying home for a school reunion.

Today: 73.6kg (with shoes). 73kg (no shoes). Body Fat – 29.9%
0910 – Detox & Thermobol
0930 – Training. 5 min bike, warm up. 3 x 12 BW squats. 3 x 10 VT (37.5) SS 3 x 10 Leg Press (70). 3 x 10 DB SLDL (16s) SS 3 x 12 Cable Row (27). 12 x full squat with step (16s). 3 x 12 FB Reverse Flyes (5s), 1 x 12 FB Back Extn (no counter weight). 2 x 12 DB Biceps Curl (6s. Sitting on FB). 45 mins
1020 – Medium Banana
1100 – Oats, 2 & 1/2 scoops Greek Yoghurt, 1/2 mango, 10 raspberries
1345 – 150g carrotts, 150g cottage cheese, coffee
1600 – Salad with tuna, medium bowl mushroom soup, 2 small white rolls, 2 tsp butter
1900 – 1/2 coffee
1930 – Promax Diet Shake
2045 – Training. 5 mins run, 11 run intervals – 2%, 12kph – 1 x 30:30, 10 x 35:25, 15 mins bike – 10 mins lvl 4, 5 mins lvl 3. Approx 350cal.
2125 – Thermobol
2220 – Bowl fruit salad (nectarine, kiwi, apple, raspberries)+ 2 & 1/2 spoons Greek Yoghurt

Training today was good, although I didn’t smash my legs. I’ll be sore enough anyway. Plan to do some cardio then have a hot tub tonight to help alleviate soreness over the next few days. Legs felt a little fatigued after the spin yesterday; but good still. Felt that I worked pretty hard on legs, concentrating on good form more than huge weights. Right move to start off with. V happy with my weight. I think a little bit of dehydration as I probably didn’t drink enough yesterday really contributed to it. Still feeling the effects of the crapping that I had yesterday – maybe the detox will kick that out of me. Literally. Updated the ticker & see that I’ve just pushed myself into the ‘Healthy’ BMI range. Feel quite happy about that, even though I think BMI is a load of bollocks.

Had initially planned to take a Promax shake immediately after training; but forgot to bring it up with me – stupid. Hopefully the banana will do something towards replacing glycogen stores & alleviating soreness. Shit. I didn’t kill my legs, but know I’m going to be sore enough anyway. Training tonight was good. Didn’t feel like doing anything, but pleased I still got 30 mins cardio done. Was good. My right shin’s a bit sore; so not happy about that…shit!

Results? Starting to see more definition in my back, when perving in the mirror. Also I feel that my thighs are starting to show some improvement in definition – can see definition around distal part of quads, also through my adductors. Happy enough. Just can’t wait for the fat to shift off my fucking stomach.

Found another class website -> http://stronglifts.com/ it’s grand, and packed with helpful info, a lot of which flows exactly with the theories that I’ve developed through experimentation & experience. Some people in the gym have started saying that I look well, or that I look like I’m losing weight. It’s class, such a great feeling when you don’t really tell people about it, but they start to notice and it comes out during conversation. 2 people today. Fuck it feels great. My weight & body fat levels today have really just spurred me onto being ‘gooder’ than I normally would be. Thinking about my eating; dedication to training.

Committment, intensity, persistance & dedication. Class.

Crap

God, what an awful night. Woke up a couple of times crook in the guts. Not nice, shite was running out of me like nothing else. Started last night after the golf supper. Not sure what exactly was going on. Was still the same this morning, didn’t really start to feel right till after lunch.

0600 – Thermobol
0630 – Oats & Green tea
0830 – Detox
1130 – Salad with tuna, Green tea
1300- Coffee + thermobol
1500 – Promax Diet Shake, 1 medium banana, coffee
1600 – Training – 1hr 5 mins spin. 681 cal (40% fat). MHR: 90% (177). AHR: 79% (155). Some core work, FB Crunches, FB Frog Kicks, run 250m, 1 x 10 Bench Dips.
1840 – Handful roasted peanuts, 1 nectarine
2030 – 250g Grilled steak, 300g veg (broccoli, beans, snow peas, carrotts). 250ml skim milk.

Training today was better than I thought it would be. I didn’t eat enough throughout the day; but still managed to do a good session. I got to 30 mins and thought that would be it for the day; but the movie cooked on and so did I. Wasn’t absolutely smashed; but was good enough. Was a long session so I was happy with that. Was going to play golf with 1I, and that was going to be a good excuse not to train. It was called off, so I had no choice, and I didn’t even whine about it. Just got on with the job at hand. Habits. My right shin is a bit sore. Think I’m somewhat verging on real soreness, time to drop back the interval runs a little – think probably just need to run every second or third day. And stretch. Stretch like my life depends on it.

9 Hours

Slept so well last night. But I still feel somewhat tired at the moment. Maybe too much – I feel like I could go back to bed. I’m sure if I did that I’d feel worse. I’m trying to convince myself that I would. I also feel that I want to train by doing run intervals. I want to do more than yesterday. But I’m not sure that that’s the smartest thing to do – either cause of fatigue, or cause I’m playing loads of golf today. I don’t really feel like playing golf.

0830 – Detox, Thermobol & Strong Coffee
0930 – Training – 10 mins bike, 60:30 run intervals 10kph – 5@ 5%, 4@ 4% then 5 x 30:30 @ 3%. Upper body weights – 3 x 10 DB Bench (16), Cable straight arm pulldown (12.5, 15, 12.5), DB SP (6, 7, 7), Standing Cable Row (25, 27, 27). 5 mins 30:30 run intervals – 12kph, 2%. 10 mins bike. 1:11:21, 710 cal (30%). MHR: 103% (202bpm). AHR: 77%, (150bpm). 1.5lit water
11.30 – 2 eggs scrambled, 1 slice brown multigrain bread, 25g cheese, 1/3 avocado. Green Tea.
1200 – Golf with Mrs U. 1 hour. (400cal?)
1640 – Oats, greek yoghurt & fruit salad (1/2 mango, 1 kiwi fruit, 1 nectarine, 8 raspberries).
1800 – Golf – 9 holes. Social mixed competition – 2 hrs. Won – woot! (800cal?)
During golf – 1 apple, 1 nutrigrain soft bake bar (raspberry), 1 time out (2 fingers), 750ml water
2000 – 1 Magners Light, 1 small cup coffee, 6 sandwiches (1/4), 1 strawberry

Was absolutely starving during golf today – don’t know where it came from, but I was hungry. I was going to buy a snickers before we went out, but decided not to (v. good) but ate the Time Out ‘1I’ gave me. Out of hunger more than anything. Probably didn’t drink enough water today, all things considered. Didn’t eat the pav that was for desert. V good restraint. Loved the oats, yoghurt & fruit salad that I had this afternoon. Would have been quite high GI though, probably an explanation for the hunger during golf too.

This morning when I got up & trotted off to training I definately felt that I was seeing some results – that my training gear looked better on today; that I looked leaner in them. But this afternoon I’m not so sure. Head games. I am definately getting more into the habit of training – love the feeling that I get when I’m done. Love smashing myself and really feeling that I’ve worked hard. Love the feeling of waking up and knowing that I want to go to the gym.

Quite tired tonight, so off to bed early.

Wrecked

God, bloody work again. Shit. Slept alright last night. Woke at 7ish when the alarm went off, but was good enough.

0800 – Thermobol

0840 – Oats, 2 spoons greek yoghurt & 2 nectarines. Green Tea.

1030 – Coffee, small apple

1300 – Medium bowl cream of tomato soup, 2 small white rolls, 2 tsp butter

1400 – Coffee

1630 – Thermobol

1730 – Training. Run intervals – 29mins. 30:30 ratio, 5% at 10, 10.5, 11, 11.2, 11.4, 11.6, 11.8, 12, 12, 12, 12, 12, 12, 12, 12, 12, 12, 12, 12 (40:20), 12 (45:15), 11.8, 11.6, 11.4 (1 min break), 11.1, 11.1, 11.1, 11.1, 11.1 (60sec). HRM – 36min, 458cal (25% fat), MHR: 204% (203bpm). AHR: 88% (173bpm).

2000 – 1 kiwi fruit, green tea

2040 – Steak Sandwich (2 slices brown multigrain, piece of lean steak, 1 egg, 50g cheese, lettuce, 1/3 avocado, >1 tsp mayo, 1 tsp tomato sauce). 200g green veg – broccoli & green beans. 750ml water with drop of juice.

Absolutely busted. My head is sore. My legs are fatigued. I know when I’ve worked hard. I get ‘itchy’ across my forehead & around my eyes – feels like it’s burning up. Today it’s on fire. Shit! I worked so hard during the run today; but felt really strong. Didn’t feel like spewing at all, but was pretty maxed out. Very pleased with the workout today. I caught myself thinking of excuses not to train – mostly that Mr Big was still in the building and I thought he’d shout. HEL was right though…he didn’t. Merely asked if a big crowd could come and watch. No worries I said & off I went. I initially thought that I wouldn’t do as much as I did – particularly the 11 reps at 12kph. Busted, but very impressed with myself; the work that I put in. CLASS!

I maybe didn’t really eat enough today; although I did have something else. I just can’t remember. I can barely remember my name at the moment. I just want to lie down and sleep. But no. Wait a few hours – then sleep through the night. Fuck. I’m fucked. Although I felt tired this morning it wasn’t really fatigue; probably cause I had a feed of carbs last night. Was so good too, but at the moment I can’t stand the thought of having curry. Fish and veg for dinner tonight I feel.

And then, fatigue.

Was going to train this morning, was always going to train – but the time comes and I’m as fatigued as hell. I can’t do it. I’m going to go down and warm up before golf. Ride a bit, then stretch my whole body really well. I am disappointed that I’ve deviated from the plan; but I feel that training today would just be a backward step. Going to wear the HRM during golf today just to see what it’s all about. Will be interesting. My back’s a bit stiff this morning, that’s another part of the reason I’m going to warm up – at the moment I feel as though I’d struggle to get the swing right.

My arms are a bit sore this morning, forearms feel fatigued, but not like it was when I did the first 5 x 5 session in M’mount. Watching the olympics this morning. Tae Kwon Do. It actually appears to be a big load of crap. All they do is bounce about a lot – backwards, forwards, stupid fecking sport it appears. The whole aim is just to kick people & squeal a lot. over 1 & 1/2 rounds in and the score was 0 – 0 (they can’t even kick someone!). Damn straight! Boring as fuck.

0840 – Detox, Thermobol, Green tea.
1100 – 2 poached eggs + 1 slice brown multigrain bread & coffee with skim milk.
1212 – Golf. 18 holes, carrying bag. 4:13 – 1655 cal 55% fat. MHR:199 (90%). AHR: 121 (62%).
1400 – 1 small apple, 1/5 Promax Meal Bar
1800 – 1 Magners Light (28cal), 1/3 of 2 curry chips
2030 – Thermobol
2045 – Big portion Chicken Tikka Marsala (Sharwoods lighter) with tomatoes & long grain rice.
2340 – Milo with skim milk