Disillusionment

This afternoon at work we had a team meeting, thrashing out everything that needs talking about, that we need to get cleared up with a new team member to get everything running smoothly again.  We’ve officially been told that pool tests aren’t being done frequently enough & cleaning the fucking foyer toilets (a sore point at the best of times) is also not being done enough and to the standard they want.

 I really don’t understand what my role is and what work comes as priority.  It seems that every time I look around there is something else launched at me, or someone lookin me for something or other.  I keep feeling that I’m inefficient; but I’m not sure that it’s that or that everything that gets piled on me.

 

As well as the cleaning, sales, calls & outreach that everyone else has to do; I’m charged with responsibility for bounce, cancellation, expiry, renewals & all membership processing.  As well as looking after 160 odd members – easily the most for any staff member.  It seems as though I’m not coping with it; but that’s cause everything is down to me.  I do all the computer work in the gym – write every single poster, do all the ordering & take responsibility for stock levels, write the entire newsletter every month & sort out issues with all memberships.  I also feel more and more isolated in the gym in terms of working for GI Joe rather than with him as I have been doing.  I wonder how the gym would really survive if I did just walk out.  If I said fuck it and was off within a week.  Hmmm.  Yes, I believe it might indeed fall apart.  God that makes me feel so fuzzy inside.  At times like these it also makes me consider doing it, just to show them how much I am needed in there.  It wouldn’t function nearly as smoothly if I wasn’t there doing stuff, creating stuff; being the labour behind the operational side of things.  Fuck, I just want to do that – but I’m not ready to be away to Canada yet I don’t think.

I don’t understand how I can possibly be expected to perform all these tasks as well as breaking it every other minute to do a pool test or toilet check.  GI Joe tells me that he’s snowed under too – but realistically what does he need to do when I do all credit control, the majority of the programming & all the IT based work that gets done in the gym.  Regarding figures, he basically collates the information I give him and puts it into a spreadsheet.  It might be short sighted of me but I’m not really sure what else takes up his time.

 

I feel as though my role within the gym isn’t understood at all, that the amount of time it takes me to do stuff is cause of the constant interruptions by members and the continual requests for small but time consuming tasks from management.  It all takes time & this seems misunderstood by management.  I want more support from GI Joe in backing me if I don’t have time to do the menial tasks such as scrub the change room floors.  Or maybe it’s me who misunderstands exactly what they want out of me and my time.  I just wish it could get soted and that I wouldn’t get stick for not doing some stuff when I was doing other, probably more important, stuff.

 

This afternoon was literally the closest I’ve come to walking out, both of the meeting, and on my job.  I’m frustrated and angry that my work is unappreciated & goes unnoticed.  I don’t want praise for the things I do, but I do want recognition.  More recognition that I work hard & achieve that I always work to the best of my ability & with the best interests of the company in mind.

 

One good thing was that the new guy backed up what I was saying by agreeing that within this particular company we are required to do a lot of work that isn’t expected in other gym/fitness instructor roles for little pay.  I’m glad that he had the balls to back up what I said, even though he’s only been there just over a week.  Thank god for gumption. 

 

Just feeling really disillusioned at the moment.  I’m sitting here considering writing my resignation.  This needs sorted out soon cause if I’m not happy I will just be off – no questions asked, no reasons given.  Althoug I think it would be a very bad move to write my resignation in a time of anger.  Calm & think of the beer Ma says.  Might just do that.  So wish I had a beer now…

 

On the sunny side of life golf today was well.  17 points over 9 holes – back 9.  It was good shooting considering how windy & awful the weather was.  Putting was alright, but was disappointed at the amount of shots I duffed.  Could so easily have had a much better score.  Ma had 9 points – quite shit really, for her, but she is off 12 so it would be a fairly hard thing to do – consistently.

 

I did actually enjoy work alright today – although I was fairly intollerant towards numpty heads.  Mrs Rules-this-rules-that was in yapping at me about her program, telling me it was too hard etc.  She wants to walk at fecking 4kph on the treadmill.  I feel quite sure the little boy could crawl that fast.  I ended up getting frustrated with her – I think a lot cause I had a lot of work to do and didn’t have time for the shit that came along with people being extremely high maintenance.  I also had to deal with fucking Bitchy McBitch.  I set it out straight for her & she seemed to listen to me.  I was very short with everyone today – tiredness I think. 

 

Mrs U was in the gym today saying how she just wants me to stay & stuff, that she thinks I will stay.  Was speaking with Ma during the round of golf – her comment was “What does —- say about it?”.  I just said that she asks when I’m leaving and I tell her I dunno.  Ha ha – she also said “—- will make you stay”.  That probably would…although maybe not.  I can’t stick the winters.

Liberated Lover

68% partner focus, 62% aggressiveness, 75% adventurousness

Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely that:

You prefer your romance and love to wild and daring rather than typical or boring, you would rather pursue than be pursued and, when it comes to physical love, your satisfaction comes more from providing a wonderful time to your partner than simply seeking your own.

This places you in the Lover Style of: The Liberated Lover.

The Liberated Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and forms the kind of free-thinking, sexually-exciting, self-confident lover that society once condemned but that a liberal-mind cherishes and exults. The Liberated Lover is a treasure to find, though it can sometimes be difficult to do so because they are often already engaged in relationships or are in high-demand if “in the market.”

In terms of physical love, the Liberated Lover is possibly the most thrilling and demanding of all, with the one potential drawback being that it is possible to feel ‘overmatched’ at times by their prowess and selfless giving. Given trust and understanding, and the right lover, the Liberated Lover can be a delight in bed.

Best Compatibility can probably be found with: The Exotic Lover (most of all) or the Carnal Lover, or the Suave Lover.

Congratulations!

Done & dusted

So yesterday was the spin-a-thon.  Officially the longest 12 hours of my life.  The bike was my home. 

Why did we put ourselves through this?  BBCs Children in Need.  Some charity over here that helps kids out with stuff when they’re carers for their parents etc.  Not entirely sure about it, but what the hell.

It started out ok.  Not too much problem in the first couple of hours – although I woke at 5am thinking that I hadn’t enough sleep and was going to struggle.  The first group was great craic and the time went relatively quickly.   

Day plan:

5.10am – wake

5.30am – breakfast – oats, yoghurt, grapes

6.30am – coffee

7.00 – 9.00am – cycling

9.30am – 3 eggs, mushrooms, 1 slice toast

10.00 – 12.00 – cycling

12.30pm – 1 & 1/2 chicken, ham & cheese toasties.  Spa

1 – 3pm – cycling

3.15pm – pasta salad, chicken, curry cous cous

4 – 6pm – cycling

6.30pm – couple of spons of rice with curry sauce & little bit of chicken.

7 – 9pm – cycling

9.10 – 9.40pm – spa

10 – 12midnight – cycling

12 – 2am – 4 Millers, 1 glass red wine in spa.

21 hours later I was done and well on the way to bed.  Utterly exhausted.  Just enough energy left to get in the spa with some millers, GI Joe, Chef & she.  The boys left quite early, but we stayed on a bit longer.  Opening Millers with a spoon is tough work, and quite dangerous.  She took the opportunity (any opportunity I’m told) to try to drown me.  In my defence I’d done 12 hours on the bike and had drunk 4 Millers by that point.  So much fun though!  Was pure murder on my bum, despite having D’s cycling shorts after the first stint.  Definitely helped, but still didn’t keep me from excruciating pain in my arse.  By the final ride I was dead.  Couldn’t sit up, couldn’t sit in racing pose – all I had was standing, and that wasn’t entirely pleasent in itself.

Was hitting ups and downs all day – half way through the 3rd stint I was sure that I couldn’t make it.  That I couldn’t finish.  She visited me in the morning, during the 2nd – that made me feel so much better.  She brought 2 of her kids along but still was concentrating on talking to me.  Missed her as soon as she left.

Food wise I know that I didn’t eat enough – despite getting probably an average of 3 bananas & .5 lit of water per 2 hour stint.  I was on viper & energy gels too, but there was no way I could possibly replace all the calories I expended.  I started initially to struggle with getting the toasties down – they were dry & I just wasn’t really into eating. The pasta salad & cous cous went down easily enough but really really struggled with the curry.  In the last break I didn’t even bother, I knew I wasn’t going to get anything down, so really made an effort with the bananas – probably 8 during the last 2 rides.

 

Daily total stats:

14:23:17

6442 cal

That’s over 3 days worth of food…my god!  My stats were down for the last ride, but I was fucked.  I feel a bit cut that I couldn’t keep it up at the end, but it was a good effort.  No idea how I did it.  I feel so tired now, but the weird thing is that I would totally do it again.  Just to beat the last score.

Entirely fucked.  Away to sleep it off.

God speed

Understand me

Last night, shift 2/2, I consulted with a woman who simply has a huge arse.  She’s huge legs.  She’s been ‘conditioned’ by years of pump, step and spin.  I hate these classes.  Particularly pump.  It’s neigh on impossible for an instructor to monitor the technique of every individual in the class; yet strangely they incorporate a high percentage of overly technical movements such as squats.  Squats, pulse squats, lets fuck up your knees, then your lower back & switch off your glutes & create pressure through your pelvis.  WTF?!

So many people these days have bad knees.  It’s probably the most common complaint that I hear in the gym.  Why?  I think somewhat it’s related to weight – but the majority of people that I would see in the gym wouldn’t be overly obese.  Fat yes.  But not hugely obese.  Is it lifestyle?  Current trends see us driving everywhere, leading lazy, inactive lives.  Obviously this contributes significantly to weight & obesity; but does it also have a significant impact on joint function?

This woman was nearly ridiculous.  First I tried to get her into some simple VMO activation & control exercises.  She failed to understand just how I could do it but she couldn’t.  All the while I was talking to her about it though she continued to thrash away at her quads, lacking the ability to step back, slow down & do a half contraction.  Why is this?  How does she not understand? 

I told her if she wanted my help, and was serious about losing weight she’d have to do a full week food diary, and be 100% accurate in what & when she ate.  She giggled.  I sensed that everyone could see my head drop & I said flat out “if you’re not honest with me, I’ll know, and I can’t help”.  I hope she gets it; I really do; but I can’t help but feel that she’s going to fuck it up.  I’m not sure she’s serious.  I’m not sure she’s really serious enough to justify me putting in the effort that I usually do…

So here are the rules for getting my help with things.

1. Honesty.  For my programs to work I require 100% honesty in our consultations.  From food diaries to exercise habits & attitudes to commitment.  Don’t tell me you’ll do it if you aren’t 100% committed to the program.  You’re wasting your time.  Don’t waste mine.

2. Commitment.  If you’re not 100% committed to the program it WILL NOT WORK.  I don’t know how I can make this clearer.  Eat what I tell you, when I tell you.  Train how I tell you.  Don’t tweak the program.  It’s how it is for a reason. 

3. Effort.  The programs I prescribe are not easy.  They’re not designed to be easy; they’re designed to work.  BUT they will not work without you putting in the effort to make sure they’re completed.  Effort is the key to all results.  It is the be-all and end-all of the program.  Effort in everything from the training to the eating to the day to day committment to create a better life. 

4. Faith.  The programs I prescribe are different.  Probably unlike any that you’ve ever experienced before; and unlike any that you will ever experience again.  They’ve been put together through a very thorough process of trial and error; of gaining the knowledge then applying it; seeking out limitations & exploring possibilities that might creat better opportunities for success.  For the programs to work you have to have faith that success will come.  When the road begins to get rough, committment and consistency are the key to overcoming obstacles.

 

 

 

 

Bleak & fatigued

Woke up this morning pretty well exhausted.  Up like a shot at 7.35 thinking I’d overslept & missed work.  Bloody Friday and a whole day off work – thankfully!  Managed to sleep right through my second, 8am alarm & get up at 8.45 remembering I was playing golf with Fin at 9.  Crap. 

From the outset I knew it was going to be a ’slow’ day.  Took me ages and ages to get my shit together & out of the house.  Then the rain came, then it went.  Then it was back.  Cold, windy & bleak weather today.  Really quite shit.  I played some ok shots – more about just watching the ball than anything – but came in after 5.  I couldn’t do it.  Wasn’t enjoying it and a guy in the group was all into Australian jokes.  I mean, really.  Does he think I’ve not heard it all before?!  I mean Derek was alright with it; but Tom just took it all too far.  Such generalisations the wanker.  He did say to me before he started that I’d probably hate the joke.  I knew from the outset that it was a kiwi joke – the bastard. His joke was

“There was a guy walking down the street with one sheep under each arm.  His mate saw him & asked ‘are you shearing’?  ‘No’, replies the bloke, ‘fuck em both’.” 

It was at that point I wanted to clobber him with my 4 iron & I knew it was time to come in.  So I was away inside – swearing under my breath the whole way.  Bastard.

Back home I chilled out for a while in half a daze.  I felt like a zombie.  I felt as though I wasn’t fully awake all day.  My eyes are sore.  I’ve a headache, all shite really.  Headachy I think from lack of sleep.  Not sure why I didn’t sleep so well last night.  Was just, dunno.  Half asleep all day – not good.  My eyes are sore, probably contributing to my headache.  Can’t wait to get some grub into me and head off to bed.  Big day tomorrow…I’m feeling alright about it, not too nervous or anything like that.  A bit worried about making it.  Head’s going to be worst I believe.  Keeping the boredom away & sorting out the intensity to make sure I’m not pushing to hard.  My lovely new polar will keep self under control.  Mmmm, pasta time.

Absolute Rubbish

Reading a blog that’s apparently related to mine…shoulders perhaps; but the guy writes rubbish.  Absolute rubbish!  Check it out here: http://prabakars.wordpress.com/2008/08/22/weight-loss-exercise-programs/

Mr Prabakar12 recommends long slow, low intensity exercise as the best way thing for weight loss program.  His reason.  It burns a higher percentage of fat.  Yes, low intensity exercise performed over longer periods will result in a higher percentage of caloric expenditure coming from fat oxidation, but real world application of this is meaningless when you consider that short bursts of high intensity training will burn, in total, more calories.  Weight loss is all about achievig a caloric deficit.  I.e. expending more calories than you intake.  More calories expended means more weight loss.  Simple.  For this reason I always, always prescribe a program of 1. High intensity, short duration interval training followed by 15 – 20 minutes of moderate activity. 2. Strength training. and 3. Diet modification – eat less, more. 

To prove my point lets look at 45 minutes of exercise.  Low intensity training may result in a 300cal expenditure with, lets say 50% of those calories coming from fat sources.  Therefore, 150 calories will come from fat.  In order to burn the caloric equivalent of 1kg of fat with this form of exercise, you will need to do 30 sessions.  On the other hand, high intensity interval training of the same duration will burn, say, 500 calories at approximately 30% fat.  That’s still 150 calories burnt from fat sources but to burn the equivalent to 1kg of fat you only need to do 18 sessions.  Statistically speaking, this would then mean that low intensity training is NOT more effective for weight loss as one effectively has to exercise for 22.5 hours to burn 9000 calories (1kg of fat), rather than having to exercise for 13.5 hours when doing so at a higher intensity.  Exercise output over the equivalent time period should be the baseline measure for exercise effectiveness.

Right, so now the key factor for actual, proven fat loss results.  Real world application of the two different protocols are of course extremely specific to each individual.  If someone is heavily obese, unfit or suffers any of the numerous contraindications to high intensity exercise then yes, they should start out with low intensity, longer duration exercise.  Their weight loss will not be too heavily affected by performance at higher intensity, however they will enjoy the exercise more and should be progressed to harder work and effort levels as their fitness increases.  For the fitter members of the population, a carefully designed, well thought-out exercise program will see both weight loss and more significant improvement in their fitness than low intensity exercise.  Of course, adherence to the program is affected by a number of factors, including duration of workouts.  I for one know that I would prefer to workout for a shorter period of time for more results, or to get the same results in less total time.  I endorse and practice quality over quantity.

Strictly Practice

My stupid life revolves nearly completely around stupid work.  Ugh.  Another split shift…I so do not want to go back.  I hate going back – particularly as tonight involves teaching a class.  Circuit.  Normally I love it to bits, tonight’s a different story though.  I can’t be arsed. 

I’m tired.  Work’s got me all tuckered out, as much as I love the mornings – a whole 2 hours, well nearly, with music blasting.  I love it.  I get in, CD #2 on loud and away I go.  Left alone to do my thing.  It’s the nights that kill me.  The getting only 5 hours sleep, I need to sleep earlier.  That will do the trick.  The other thing I love about earlies is that I’ve enough time to whack some balls about, or to play 9 holes, as I did with Mrs U today.  Although it was strictly practice (so as to keep us from becoming overly competitive & fighting) we had fun – I probably would have won the game, had we been playing as I finished with pars on 7, 8 & 9.  I was particularly happy with the par on 8 – quite a long one putt to finish off, after rescuing from the right hand fairway bunker.  Happy with my irons.  Playing them well, particularly when I swing easy.  My brown wood is up the left though.  Watching the ball maybe?  Trying to smash it maybe?  Dunno.  Definitely need to concentrate more though!

Split shift again. 15 Hours Down

Yet another split shift.  Feel more used & abused than I really want, although how can one tell the difference between being a good person, kind hearted & doing the right thing and being just plain walked all over?  Sometimes I feel as though I get stuck in the middle of that great big abandon.  I won’t see them stuck, but I feel as though I really can’t say no.  I’m too close.  I live to close.  I’m too nice.

 

To be fair GI Joe is very good to me at times, like letting me off work early to play golf, then giving me the hours, saying that I make it up anyway.  Which I do.  Simone the big man would never have considered that to be fair but GI Joe knows I put in.  Knows I earn what I get.  Loads of people have said to me that the place will fall apart when I’m gone.  K-C reckons she’s leaving.  No motivation to come she says.  Is that me, or the program?!  Hmmm.

 

I was surprisingly busy at work today.  Not so busy, but every time I was just getting into something someone was lookin me for something or other, just generally being high maintenance.  Me being tempermental…  Ma’s mate phoned me twice, once to say that Big Pelier could come to the spin-a-thon (bloody good thing too or I would have had to call and shout at him).  So I mentioned that one of us would be in contact with him.  Then she called again to tell me that I shouldn’t phone him, that he was busy at work & he said to her not to phone him at work.  Bloody hell – I can imagine why – no doubt he doesn’t want her rabbitting on at him while he’s doing his copper thing.  I briefly wondered if she phoned him to ask if she could take a crap.  Probably.  GI Joe and I laughed about that, she’s a nutter – harmless but an absolute numpty head.

  

Today was the beginning of the end of the spin-a-thon challenge, or Saturday from hell as I’ve begun referring to it as.  My god, I can not believe what I’ve signed up for.  So, it’s currently all systems go on the eating front.  7000cal in a day.  Shite.  Actually, that might be a great weight management plan…do one of them a month & bada-bing bada-boom, all of a sudden you’re maintaining the athlete look no worries.  Insane thought.  Definitely saner people locked up…

 

 

The new Polar is awesome.  FT60 training computer it’s officially known as.  I’ll just say it’s class.  It is clear, does everything one could ever want and looks smashing.  And at £184.50 it costs more than most can afford, or will pay, making it kinda exclusive.  I love my Polar.  I’ll be sad to get rid of the orange one, but I kinda need the 50 quid.

 

Training today was light.  Just a quick spin to empty the glycogen out of my legs before I load up again for Saturday.  After the spin I did K-C’s new weights program, somewhat to see what it was like, somewhat out of boredom & somewhat to tell her that I can do it, to push her further.  Was a bit easy, I must say.  Although I think a lot of it was cause of the fatigue from spin, that I probably didn’t push as hard as I could have.  That I just set out to do what she did…only a little more weight.  GI Joe stretched the hell out of my hammies & calves before I spun.  Was surprised by the flexibility still in them, even though they felt as tight as hell.  Also getting pretty happy with the development in my legs, some nice shape coming through above my knees.  Although still not as good at K-Cs.  I love her legs.  Could look at them all night long, all day & for, well, just such great definition in her quads - absolutely class!

 

SPIN (Maximise performance & improve fitness)

1:00:27

554 cal (23% fat)

AHR: 153

MHR: 183

Zones: H: 25:04; M: 22:52; L: 12:30

 

WEIGHTS (fat burn & improve fitness)

00:23:34

158 cal (36% fat)

AHR: 131

MHR: 185

Zones: H: 00:41; M: 07:49; L: 13:59

After I’d trained & rested for an hour I was back at work for shift 2/2 today.  K-C was in looking through her program – we had some great craic.  I love working with her…cause I can tell her what I think & she takes it.  Cause I don’t have to baby her.  I just like hanging out with her.  In so deep.  Feck!

Just went off to get some food before.  Loads of protein, stuff for sangas – cooked chicken, turkey, avoes etc.  Steak, broccoli & loads of fruit.  Also got some of my favourite greek yoghurt and some of the wonderfully delicious and zingy Intense burn energy drink – 2 for £1.50 woot.  Bring on Saturday of hell. 

 

 

 

Spin-a-thon…Bloody Hell.

So, I’m back.  After quite a significant absence.  Not my fault at all…bloody internet.  Now I’m reconnected with the world. 

So, of late…things go like this.  Training was well back on track – maintaining quite easily at 73 – 74ish.  Not really eating that well – been kinda up and down, mainly through inconsistent timing, poor choices and lots of booze.

Training wise, not so bad.  Was getting full into the cardio, working it hard & suffering a whole lot.  I’d swapped to another formula.  Yet another formula.  It was all going well then I got sick.  It was after Belfast’s Oktoberfest.  Was such a great, crazy, unintentional night out, but then the sickness hit.  Was well out of action, dosed with the flu for about 2 weeks. 

Stupidly I’ve signed on for a bloody spin-a-thon for the fecking Children in Need.  Everyone in the gym, well everyone who’s signed on, is doing 3 hour stints.  GI Joe & I are doing 2 hours on, 1 hour off for the whole 18 hours.  That’s 12 hours on a bike.  Nearly a whole flight from London – Hong Kong.  Bloody hell.  Been doing lots of training for it.  Worked up to 2 hours, which, when company is good is pretty easy.  Very doable.  Last Thursday, the 30th did 2 hours on, 1 off, 2 on.  Bit of a zombie-esque state at the end of it, and my head was away at work.  No wonder, burnt approximately 2200 cal that day – a whole day worth of food. 

That in itself concerns me a bit cause of the amount that I’m going to do in 12 hours.  The 2nd lot burnt more, definitely more – was harder on the body I guess, pushed a bit more cause K-C was there, motivation!  By the end of the 12 hours no doubt I’ll be working at a lower rate, but cause of the duration & intensity I’ll probably be burning more.  Probably about 7000cal for the day, maybe more.  That’s like a weeks worth of calories.  How the hell am I going to put all that in.  K-C is becoming a waitress for the day.  I’m gonna have to give her millions to cover my food/drink bill that day.

Sunday Remorse

Sunday at work and I’m full of remorse.  Remorese for what I’ve done over the last few days.  Somewhat for the Pretty Marys night on Friday.  Was huge.  Very huge.  Way too huge.

She & I get along way too well.  Nearly too well for me to cope with.  She’s everything I want in a woman; and more.  I do actually quite like her – more since our Sunday session last week.  It all got out of hand – too much, too far but at the same time altogether too little.  Ever since then all I can think about is her – talking to her, hanging out with her, taking things further.  I want it, her, but I can’t have her.  There are so many things wrong with it.  Us would be just wrong.  But the badness is nearly irresistable.  I kissed a girl.  And I liked it.

She phoned me the other night after I sent a message saying ‘can’t sleep. stupid head. feck’.  She talked, I talked, we talked, we laughed, she asked me to tell her what was in my head, but I couldn’t.  Couldn’t explain it, didn’t know what it was.  Emptiness perhaps.  Aloneness.  Vulnerability.  I wanted to talk, but couldn’t.  Didn’t want her to know I’m so vulnerable at times.  Strange thing is we’re exactly the same.  She’s me, but not.

Been away over a year now, well over a year.  I can not believe how fast it’s gone.  How much I’ve changed.  It’s just now that I’ve called KLHS for the obligitary birthday check in.  Was so good to talk to her – just like old times, but in the same breath all closed off.  It’s changed now.  Changed forever.  Everything’s changed for me being over here.  I started playing golf.  Golf for one.  Wish I had of played earlier – had of started the full season over here.  I started at 25.  Imagine a full season.  Shite. 

It’s nearly time to move on.  The Canadian visa has well and truly arrived.  I just can’t seem to really make the first move.  I know I want to do it; but at times it all seems too much.  Too tiring.  Too hard.  At times I feel as though I just want to head on home and get on with my life, career & start actually putting it all together, rather than breaking it down on a yearly basis.  It never really gets easier.  The outcome never changes, never gets better.  If you always do what you’ve always done; you always get what you always got.

I’m going to miss my friends.  Me Ma.  Ms G.  K-C.  Mrs U.  GI Joe.  Me Granny.  All the people I’ve got to know well I guess.  Strange that before I really wouldn’t have spoken to many people about a lot of the things I want to talk to these people about.  Particularly K-C.  I would definitely talk to her about most things.  And me Ma.  I know she’d help, no matter what.  The boss said the other day that he thinks that she’ll miss me when I’m gone.  Fuzzy feeling inside knowing that whenever I’m gone I might, maybe even will, be missed.  Crazy thought I know.  They’ve become my real friends.  Friends I’d turn to.