subconscious

So now that I’m not far from actually handing in my application a few questions are starting to appear.   It’s stuff that I have considered before, and stuff that I know will come up frequently in my (hopefully) new profession, but I wasn’t sure that it would happen this way.  The questions, or thoughts come mostly when I’m alone, when I’m doing something that only requires a mild focus.  I guess that’s the time when my thoughts will wander.

I don’t thinly that they’re doubts so much as my mind making sure that I’m prepared for this; that I’m sure that it’s what I want.  I guess it’s me making sure I’m ready to deal with the side of things that is not pretty.

How do I feel about carrying a loaded weapon for the rest of my life; or at least the majority of it.  How do I feel about potentially having to shoot someone; and having to live with that.

How do I feel about the possibility of confronting a potentially threatening situation.  Having to deal with violent, irrational and drunk offenders on a regular basis.

How do I feel about having to defend other members of the public from violent or threatening offenders?

It’s all there,those questions are all there.  They’re all things I’ve had to consider.  I’ve considered them willingly.  I guess that it’s a more prominent issue now cause it’s close to becoming a reality.  I think that it’s good that my mind is processing these without me actually thinking about it.  That, to me, means that it’s there; that there are risks involved, and there are going to be some situations that are incredibly difficult.  But the fact that I’m thinking about it means that I know about it and am willing to deal with it.  A little muddled, I know; but it’s all good.

without

So today at the pool was fecking awful.  That’s the only way it can be described.  Did my 1k (in 27:30), 100m with the kick board and then got the hell out of there.  I was just fatigued.  Although I’m not sure it actually was fatigue, or soreness from the weights session that I did – more just that the thrashing about was much harder.  Had a tendonitis click going on in my left shoulder which was while not actually hurting, uncomfortable and distracting.  It was more that I was noticing it there, not that it was sore.  Pain in the arse more than anything.  It wasn’t at all that I was without motivation today – it was a physical thing.  In a way I see this swim session as a good thing.  After the first 200 I seriously would have considered packing up and going home – if it weren’t for determination to do the 1k – at a minimum.  I made sure I was in there for at least 30 minutes.  A bit of a win for me, over the pool, today.  Sometimes it’s just hard.

30:00

340cal,  25%

AHR: 151

MHR: 177

Work was shit!  At some times I really, really, hate my life.  It’s like I’m just showing up and spending time there.  The fucking stock is all over the fucking place.  I had to count the bloody singlets about 15 times today as things weren’t included in the snapshot when they should have been and were when they shouldn’t have been.  I finally said that I wasn’t doing it anymore and headed off to harass customers.  I was helping a guy with shoes at the end of the day – he had a sore ankle for which he wanted plenty of cushioning.  After talking a little bit, it seems that he had Plantar Fasciitis, or so I thought.  He was surprised that I knew what was going on.  I think I also surprised myself.  Surprised at the amount of knowledge that I have, that I can talk to people about and the help that could have come from me sorting out what his issue was.  I also briefly considered whether infact I should go into physiotherapy, and briefly considered looking up to see the requirements for an Ex. Phys. to do Phty at uni.  But then I want to be a cop.  That’s all I want.

After work I realised I’d forgotten the ipod (essential for gym cardio, or any cardio really) so headed home.  Did some stuff on the treadmill to make up for the lack of swimming/gym cardio today.  I did run intervals and was happy with how they went.  I didn’t think that I’d got to the point where they weren’t an absolute bitch to get done – I guess I was wrong.  Although I worked hard, I wasn’t anywhere near maximum, and felt stronger than I have previously.

20 mins run intervals, 3 minutes stretching.
30:30 -  all at 4%

3 mins 10

5 mins 10.5
5 mins 11
5 mins 11.5
2 mins 11

20:00

230 cal, 17%

AHR: 164

MHR: 186

Not 100% accurate as HRM wasn’t working the whole time I don’t think…  It was fucking pissing me off, perhaps escalated by tiredness, but I felt some of the gear rage coming back.  Bastard.  Anyway, it was s pretty good session, even if the HRM fucked up.  I also iced afterwards, which I need to start doing more often (and am going to start doing, nightly).

I’m not nearly as sore as I expected to be from the weights session that I did the other day.  Perhaps the huge walk with golf helped that, perhaps also wearing skins while I was running tonight helped.  I think that that might be a good way to take some of the DOMs away from my future legs sessions – stretching, rest and then some form of activity (preferably walking/golf) later in the day.  Seems to have worked this time round.

More one glove tan tomorrow, along with a bit of training.  Short game work.

missed the eagle

Putting practice required.

Golf today at the rum.  Was not entirely bad.  Not bad at all.  I went round in 97 – 6 more than someone off about 9, and all six shots really came from penalties.  One in the water, one out of bounds and one as a penalty shot when I had to crawl under the bushes to retrieve my ball.  Better than a lost ball, but it would have been nice if had even trickled from the bush out into the other fairway.

Short game was much much better.  Not so much the putting, although I think it was significantly better than the last game I played, but I chipped with a lot more confidence, and think I’ve started to have a bit more faith in hitting my cute little 60 degree wedge.  I was using a pro V for a while there, and it was awesome – it really was like the ball stopped a lot quicker.

Driving was ok, but I’ve started to pull them towards the end – perhaps just a little of playing around with my swing…  On the 18th I’d hit a fair drive, up the middle, but I didn’t really feel as though it went all that well.  We got up there and I took my 3 wood and hit it – long and straight baby!  We got to the green and my ball’s sat, pin high, about 5 foot from the hole, in two, on a par 5.  I think probably the best (and maybe only) eagle chance I’ll ever have.  Missed the putt – on the amateur side, although it wasn’t an easy putt.

Was much happier with golfing today, however I still think there’s plenty of room for improvement.  At least I’m back to playing off 25.  Now I’ve just got to stay there.

My FT set me a pretty rediculous goal for this week – 6:40 of training, burning 4050 cal.  I never thought I could do it while working, but I’ve surprised myself this week.  Although I’m not going to make the target this week (even though I was well on track the whole week and extremely motivated to get there) I think it’s a positive thing.  I was fatigued at the end of the week, but I don’t think that I was to the point that I couldn’t have done one more training session if it had been necessary.  I chose to do nothing on Saturday, and to train relatively easily on Friday in the manner of keeping healthy.  I know that I did some exercise today, with the golf, and although I didn’t make the goal set by my heart rate monitor I’m sure that I’ve achieved more than enough this week.

Even if it’s just having a tune up when I need one!

crossroads

Last night was shocking.  I was in bed for 10 – fatigued and ready for sleep, but it didn’t come.  I’d close my eyes but my mind wouldn’t switch off.  As a result, very very tired this morning.  My eyes have been stinging since I woke up, on about 4 hours sleep, to squealing.  Not a pleasant start to the day.  On top of the lack of sleep tiredness, my body feels fatigued.  It’s like I can’t muster the energy to do anything at the moment.  I just want to sleep. One of the girls at work today said that I was quiet, and had been all day.  I was.  I said it was just down to tiredness, which I honestly think that it is.

My the SLDL from the other day has caught up with my hamstrings and they’re tight, although not nearly so bad as they were this morning, before the swim, and before wearing my skins about for the afternoon.  I wonder if a full length pair might be in order.  I really think that wearing them helps, even wearing the quad length ones.  The only issue that I have is that to get the compression I need for my legs, I need to go small around the waist.  I’m in a YXL at the moment, even though it’s pretty tight around my waist.  I think that they’re getting looser though, that I am losing a bit of fat; but it’s always hard to tell with something so tight, and stretchy.  Would like to try a shirt, but don’t know.  We’ll see.  Am definitely going to get, maybe two more pairs in the staff order, when they’re about 40% off (I think) but not sure about a shirt yet.  I guess it would help with the weights, and for that reason I would probably have to look at a full length one – would also be good for golf.

On the topic of gear, I’ve found the sexiest watch ever!!  It’s a polar RS300X – orange.  Every time I go into the fitness area, I put it on.  I wear it well, and I think it looks great on my wrist.  It’s just that I really don’t need two heart rate monitors.  I’ve already a FT60, and love it, but I really like the look of the other one.

Swim was ok.  I wasn’t feeling great before I even went.  Had it in my head that I wasn’t going to swim well, or that it was going to be a whole lot more difficult to do what I’ve done on the other days before I even set out.  To my surprise and delight, I managed to beat yesterdays for both the k and 30 minute mark.  Pretty happy.

the lesbian and the kids

Today wasn’t nearly so bad. The ginger was a bit grizzly, but nothing as bad as I’ve seen him in the past.  Bloody horrible would be the only way to describe it, and he certainly wasn’t that.

Training this morning was good.  Consisted of an hour in the pool.  Not a bad effort.  Managed to get a bit of a lie in before having breakfast, making lunch and washing up.  The usual routine.  I wasn’t feeling overly tired this morning, just had enough sleep that I woke up when I was ready, although I did hear the first couple of squeaks from the other side of the wall.

Swam for an hour – my usual 100m on 3 minutes was completely blown out of the water, and I rolled 1k in about 25 and a half.  Was pretty impressed, and just managed to squeeze out another 200m before I hit 30.  Definite improvement.  I’m not actually swimming faster, just having less rest, and continually doing more work in the same amount of time – result!!

A couple of the guys at work asked me why I wasn’t aiming to swim a certain number of laps each time I went – and I think today proved that point.  When I set out, I had no idea that I wanted to swim for so long, or that I wanted to swim 2k in total.  I just felt in the groove, so I kept on going.  I think that that’s how it has to be with my training.  I also think that that approach works for me cause I’m not the type to give in.  I like to give training a bit of lip, and to keep going when times get tough.  I like to beat what I did previously.  Set out to improve each and every session.  I know that at some point that’s not going to be possible, but it’s something that drives me to keep working, to keep getting better.  Think my AHR was also a bit higher this time round – makes sense really.

1 hour

768c, 17%

AHR: 165

MHR: 185

Work wasn’t so bad.  Just bloody counting, counting and more counting.  Went quick enough, but every two hours I was looking round for something to eat.  Was all good though, and well within the diet.  Just sitting here and I’m actually thirsty.  The lesbian and the kids were in today.  Someone I potentially would have hooked up with once, I was just standing, overhearing their conversation thinking that I was a bit weirded out by her child (perhaps only 6 months old) not wanting ‘boob’ anymore.  That, or perhaps the image of being with someone who’s breastfeeding (and said breastfeeding’s implications on fucking) was making me crazy.  As much as I love boobs, I’m not into that at all.

Gym session after work, even though my eyes were well tired.  Went and did my strength work.  I still don’t feel that I’m pushing as hard as I can with the weights at the moment.  Think I’m still in a bit of an adjustment phase being in a new gym and all.  It’s like they’ve tried to cram too much shit in the space and it feels cramped, and you have to negotiate your way around pieces of fluffy equipment to get to the good, and worthwhile stuff – like the single power cage they have in there.

40:10

405c, 30%

AHR: 143

MHR: 166

For the moment I’m concentrating on big exercises – nothing isolation.  I’m doing at least one powerlifting move per workout, although not heavy.  I’m going to have to write myself a program and get into the routine of lifting heavy again.  Shit.  Bring on the mental strength.  The scales were mighty tempting tonight, but I wasn’t really wanting to see what’s going on there.  I feel as though the weight isn’t shifting, although I know I’m getting leaner around my head.  Sounds stupid; but I am seeing weight loss from my face.  Perhaps it’s the little bit of a tan that I’ve going on now.

Done.  Absolutely done.

Grumpy Chops

The well worn path of beginning is looking oh so familiar again.  Normally I get into this, this far then further, then sometimes further still but ultimately it ends in the same result.

I’m really enjoying the exercise, the feeling of being tired, the muscular pain and pushing is something that tells me that I’m doing well, and doing the right thing.  Today was a relatively easy day – swimming just.  I felt tired on the way to the pool.  Swam well, probably better than I have before, held 10 x 100 @ 3 minutes fairly well, then did some breath and lung volume work.  I did try doing some longer stuff, but really really suffer towards the last 25m.

I arrived to work in a rather unpleasent mood.  I’m not really sure what was up, but from the outset I could tell that it wasn’t going to be a great day.  I’ve days when I’ve no patience whatsoever.  Nothing is right, and nothing goes the way I want it to go.  I say fuck a lot these days.  I was also really hungry today.  Perhaps the long-ness of the day, woken at 6.30 by the ginger squealing, to finishing work at 9pm.  Not short.

I ate good today, and I think I’ve the during the day stuff sorted out, it’s the night time meals that will kill me.  How do I say to the hosts that I don’t want to eat carbs for dinner, or fatty snags.  That good old chicken & vege will do me.

While doing not much at work I discovered a blog that looks interesting…  Caroline Koll.  Will have to look in more detail, but it looks interesting enough.  She’s an ironman triathlete so it will be interesting to have a ‘flick’ through to see what she’s got to say for herself.

Refreshed goals

So the time has come to get up and do what I want.  Vancouver came and went amidst a blur of booze and unhealthiness.  I’m back home now and things have changed.

I’ve decided to join the police.  It’s something that I’ve wanted forever, and it’s something that I’m extremely passionate about.  I think that now is the right time.  I’m sure that now is the right time.  It feels like the right time in my life to go through this sort of thing – the travel has given me direction; not so much made me more certain about doing this, but made me more confident that this is what I want to do long term.  More confident that I can and will stick this out and forge a career.  More confident that this is where I belong.

I’ve lost the desire to work with fat bastards who expect you can make them skinny and beautiful all while they eat a muffin for breakfast.  I’m tired of dealing with that sort of attitude.

Again

Starting all over again. It feels that way anyway. It feels as though I’ve let go of all the work that I did to get to the point where I was looking forward to running. I was in a good place then, even though the bad habits were still there, I was in a better place than I am now. The holiday was the downfall of that.

That’s just an excuse though. Another excuse.  I came back from the holiday wanting to do more stuff.  More mountain stuff, be more active, eat healthier and just be natually doing the right things.  It’s not happened that way, for various reasons but mostly just out of lack of desire and dedication.

I’ve made the decision to go home and do the police thing.  Before the holiday I was doing it for that reason only, and I think in the two weeks that I was doing alright I started to lose weight.  Nothing overly noticable, but it was there.

Monday is the beginning of a new chapter.  I’ve said this so many times before it seems nearly to the point that I don’t actually believe myself when I say it.  The way I’m feeling, at the moment, is for me about rock bottom.  I’m not eating well, not sleeping, feel fat and disgusting.  I’m constantly tired.  I get grumpy and cranky.  The list is endless.  I;m sat here typing with my eyes closed.  I’m exhausted.  I’ve not long ago had an extra shot latte.  That’s 3 shots of espresso and it hasn’t hit me.  It did for a little whileIt would be all very easy to say ‘oh well…maybe I just can’t do it.

Being here doesn’t make things easy.  It makes things fucking hard, but that’s one of the things that I just need to overcome.  People everywhere – drinking, smoking, eating shit – it all makes it harder cause it’s right there infront of me.  How fucking bad is this going to have to get before I actually take responsibility for what I’m doing to myself and sort it out?!

Monday is the start of it – I’m embarking on the 5 x 5 program, at the smacky gym, so not the best place, but I’m skint, the gym is cheap and accessible and it’s a beginning.  I’ll do the program as prescribed.  The only changes being that I’ll be using a rack for the squats when the weight gets up there…  I’ll do bench and the additional exercises as prescribed.  I’ll run one to two times per week and walk another two times per week.  The walks will be disguised as getting places.  Eating will be sorted out.  All the bad shit I’m doing will be stopped.

There’s no way I can go back to Australia like this.  I leave in about 3.5 months, it will be treated somewhat as a 12 week challenge, although not as strict.  I just want to be fitter, leaner and more healthy for when I get home.  That’s the goal, that’s all that I want out of this.

The trouble with love is…

That at one point or another, due to one cause or another, one leaves the relationship that has been built between two people.  It happens to the best of relationships.  Even the longest lasting, most strong relationships come crashing down when one person leaves; usually through death; but not always.  I feel that I’ve developed a few relationships while in Magheralin and then end drew up on Monday when I left for London.  This morning she asked my why I left ‘them’ anyway; them being the Northern Ireland bunch.  How do you explain the need to leave?  Or the reluctance to be thrown out?

 

I know that in the end I will be ok; but I think a little part of me will always wonder what what might have been if we had of met under different circumstances.  I will always think of her fondly; and regret the chance that I had to have her.  I have found myself thinking about what would happen if I had stayed longer – would she really have fallen for me and left Davus?!

 

Just off the phone to her there.  She has seriously considered leaving Davus for me; that’s the only thing stopping her.  She was disappointed to find that she wouldn’t be able to get a visa for Canada cause of the age thing but said that I’d have to forgo it and head straight for Australia.  I wouldn’t even think about it; merely suggest a long-ish holiday before we head home.  She said she considered how much cash she could get access to and all the things she’d need to sort out.

 

Did she feel she knows me well enough to make that sort of commitment – i.e. just to up and leave for the other side of the world with me…?  She’s not sure she knows me well enough, but she would give it a try.  I said that Nat had asked me the same thing and that I said that yes, I’d be happy to make that decision.  Oh god, why did we start talking about her leaving Davus for me.  Now that’s what I want; that’s all I can think about.  In a way it sort of gives me hope when it shouldn’t be like that.  I shouldn’t be feeling as though there is hope for me and her cause at the end of the day I strongly doubt that she’ll leave her husband.  They say the mistress never gets the man; I wonder if that rings true for the woman who’s having an affair – does she ever leave?

 

We laughed about what people would think.  Actually I said that I thought Mum would fall over if I took her home and was like ‘This is Kate.  You’ve also inherited 4 step-grandkids; but they’re still in Ireland.’  Kate said that she didn’t think that my Mum would think much of her in that case; but I would like to think that Mum would be more accepting than that.  I would like to think that all of my family would accept her and approve of our relationship.  God, this is going to fuck my head up!!

The trouble with love is…

That at one point or another, due to one cause or another, one leaves the relationship that has been built between two people.  It happens to the best of relationships.  Even the longest lasting, most strong relationships come crashing down when one person leaves; usually through death; but not always.  I feel that I’ve developed a few relationships while in Magheralin and then end drew up on Monday when I left for London.  This morning she asked my why I left ‘them’ anyway; them being the Northern Ireland bunch.  How do you explain the need to leave?  Or the reluctance to be thrown out?

 

I know that in the end I will be ok; but I think a little part of me will always wonder what what might have been if we had of met under different circumstances.  I will always think of her fondly; and regret the chance that I had to have her.  I have found myself thinking about what would happen if I had stayed longer – would she really have fallen for me and left Davus?!

 

Just off the phone to her there.  She has seriously considered leaving Davus for me; that’s the only thing stopping her.  She was disappointed to find that she wouldn’t be able to get a visa for Canada cause of the age thing but said that I’d have to forgo it and head straight for Australia.  I wouldn’t even think about it; merely suggest a long-ish holiday before we head home.  She said she considered how much cash she could get access to and all the things she’d need to sort out.

 

Did she feel she knows me well enough to make that sort of commitment – ie just to up and leave for the other side of the world with me…?  She’s not sure she knows me well enough, but she would give it a try.  I said that Nat had asked me the same thing and that I said that yes, I’d be happy to make that decision.  Oh god, why did we start talking about her leaving Davus for me.  Now that’s what I want; that’s all I can think about.  In a way it sort of gives me hope when it shouldn’t be like that.  I shouldn’t be feeling as though there is hope for me and her cause at the end of the day I strongly doubt that she’ll leave her husband.  They say the mistress never gets the man; I wonder if that rings true for the woman who’s having an affair – does she ever leave?

 

We laughed about what people would think.  Actually I said that I thought Mum would fall over if I took her home and was like ‘This is Kate.  You’ve also inherited 4 step-grandkids; but they’re still in Ireland.’  Kate said that she didn’t think that my Mum would think much of her in that case; but I would like to think that Mum would be more accepting than that.  I would like to think that all of my family would accept her and approve of our relationship.  God, this is going to fuck my head up!!