my brother. the arsehole.

The title says it all I guess. I’m not sure there’s anything more to say, other than to give reasons for the above statement.

He’s become so hard and seems to have lost his heart. He’s being an arsehole about Christmas. We’re having a massive family Christmas this year. Everyone’s excited about it, me particularly cause it’s my first Christmas at home for a couple of years. I’m excited to get together with everyone and to give gifts and share the experience with everyone.

I’m particularly organised this year and have most of my presents mostly done already. My brother’s getting a book. The exact book that he asked for. He had asked me a couple of days ago what I wanted. Today I sent a text back to him saying that I’d like a Scotty Cameron putter cover. I told him what colour I would like, where you can get them and also how much they cost. Then I sent one saying that if it was too much hassle or if they were too expensive (around about $50 – so not really all that expensive) that he could just get me something else, something smaller. I got a reply saying ‘lets not worry about presents. Can we just buy for M & D and let secret santa (our family-wide, keep the costs down gift giving experience) take care of the rest?’. I sent a message back along the lines of ‘no, that’s not what I or my sister want to do’. It escalated from there. He doesn’t want a present and doesn’t want to give one. I’m not sure if it’s laziness or tightness. It can not, rationally, be tightness when he’s no issue with going out at the weekend and spending $500. I said that I didn’t understand, but thought that it would be difficult to understand the meaning of Christmas, and the gestures associated with gift giving and receiving, unless you’d had one or two Christmases away from the family. That has made Christmas more special to me.

His drinking is also out of control. My sister lives in Vegas, round the corner from him. She can not even get him to come and help her put together her new flatpack furniture. That’s really shit. He didn’t come over cause he was too hungover, when he got there he stayed for about 20 minutes and she said he spent the entire time on the phone. She was ultra upset cause she overheard him talking to his friends about how he’s banned from the Normanby. That isn’t the most upmarket place about, but they don’t ban you for nothing.

I would have thought the ‘getting the shit kicked out of him, arrested, charged and fined’ incident from earlier this year would have taught him a thing or two about respect and not acting up when you’re out. Obviously not.

the f word

I’m told, by my FT 60 that this is to be an easier training week.  I wasn’t really all that sure why cause last weeks’s stats were down on what I considered to be an easier week, although I have smashed my training and body in the last few weeks.  No wonder it’s telling me it’s time to dial it back.

I’m grumpy as anything today and consequently saying the f word quite a lot.  I could eat the face off anyone who annoys me.  And nearly everyone is annoying me in one way or another.  I’m just grumpy.  This girl at work is an idiot.  She’s an idiot at the best of times but today she’s being particularly annoying (perhaps I’m perceiving that she’s more annoying cause of my lowered bullshit tolerance level) today, and she’s doing it on purpose.  FARK!!  Just laziness, and immaturity – she would rather ask for help before looking herself of trying to do whatever it is that she has to do. 

She’s 16, so I guess that explains the immaturity.  She quit school and moved out of home just a few months ago.  Her father also died earlier this year, and I’m not completely compassionless to that; I’m sure that it would be one of the things that I would most struggle to deal with; but that’s no reason for her to leave school.  Her english, and spelling, is terrible.  She really should be at school still, learning to spell and speak english properly.  I cam so close to telling her that she had the english of a 10 year old when she was pronouncing badminton ‘bat-minton’.  Idiot.  She’s a classic case of an occa who needs more education.  She also needs to be corrected when she says the wrong words, like ‘how are yous’.  Yous is not a word.

Anyway, she’s annoying me today, so much so that I needed to come to the other shop to get away a bit.  I think I’m also annoyed at my own performance last night.  I drank too much and didn’t sleep at all well.  Not cool.  We spent all weekend fencing – tearing down one fence and putting up a 6 foot colourbond fence in its place.  It was hot all weekend, and save for little bits here and there we were out in the sun all weekend.  Although I didn’t really do that much work with the crowbar I still felt as though I was tired – and in need of a drink last night.  The frosty beers were good too.

missed the eagle

Putting practice required.

Golf today at the rum.  Was not entirely bad.  Not bad at all.  I went round in 97 – 6 more than someone off about 9, and all six shots really came from penalties.  One in the water, one out of bounds and one as a penalty shot when I had to crawl under the bushes to retrieve my ball.  Better than a lost ball, but it would have been nice if had even trickled from the bush out into the other fairway.

Short game was much much better.  Not so much the putting, although I think it was significantly better than the last game I played, but I chipped with a lot more confidence, and think I’ve started to have a bit more faith in hitting my cute little 60 degree wedge.  I was using a pro V for a while there, and it was awesome – it really was like the ball stopped a lot quicker.

Driving was ok, but I’ve started to pull them towards the end – perhaps just a little of playing around with my swing…  On the 18th I’d hit a fair drive, up the middle, but I didn’t really feel as though it went all that well.  We got up there and I took my 3 wood and hit it – long and straight baby!  We got to the green and my ball’s sat, pin high, about 5 foot from the hole, in two, on a par 5.  I think probably the best (and maybe only) eagle chance I’ll ever have.  Missed the putt – on the amateur side, although it wasn’t an easy putt.

Was much happier with golfing today, however I still think there’s plenty of room for improvement.  At least I’m back to playing off 25.  Now I’ve just got to stay there.

My FT set me a pretty rediculous goal for this week – 6:40 of training, burning 4050 cal.  I never thought I could do it while working, but I’ve surprised myself this week.  Although I’m not going to make the target this week (even though I was well on track the whole week and extremely motivated to get there) I think it’s a positive thing.  I was fatigued at the end of the week, but I don’t think that I was to the point that I couldn’t have done one more training session if it had been necessary.  I chose to do nothing on Saturday, and to train relatively easily on Friday in the manner of keeping healthy.  I know that I did some exercise today, with the golf, and although I didn’t make the goal set by my heart rate monitor I’m sure that I’ve achieved more than enough this week.

Even if it’s just having a tune up when I need one!

tune up

Went in for a tune up today.  After so many hours I feel rundown and tired, like a car I suppose – need a good lube at times.  My neck was so sore, and it was radiating down into my trap, both high and lower, and into my scap stabilisers.  When I couldn’t take it anymore I headed for some healing hands.  Wasn’t too bad at all.

It’s both sad, and weird that that’s the most naked a chick’s seen me in a while.  I don’t like it being like that.  I want a girlfriend…  shit.  The massage was good though.  She kept doing this zig zaggy thing – up one side of my back, down the other.  Back up and then back down again.  Then she lifted my scapulae & did it round the medial borders of each of them.  I thought I was going to die while she was doing that.  Not so much sore, but uncomfortable.  Bloody uncomfortable.  It’s a weird feeling, having someone dig their fingers under your shoulder blades.  The zig zaggy thing happened again – down my calves, then down my tib ant, then up my hamstrings.  I can’t say that she was overly rough, or nearly as hard as the girls lead me to believe, but she got into it and gave me a bit of a touch up.  Was pretty happy actually.  She said that I was ’strong’ around my shoulders, and well built through the back of my shoulders; also that I had well developed calves (I bloody know, and hate).  She wasn’t surprised at all that I was built after I’d told her that I don’t mind a bit of powerlifting occasionally.

By the end of the massage I was feeling much better – and had better range and less soreness in my neck and shoulders.  Perhaps a once a week tune up is the way to go…

unravelling the good

What a great weekend I had.  Friday night there were drinks and a delicious roast and polenta dinner here, Saturday I spent all day at work, before heading in for more beers with the rellies.  Sunday we played golf at the town course then had some more drinks.  Obviously, from that ultra quick run down, all the good work from last week was nearly undone with the diet and booze blow out of the weekend.  I’ve really got to tighten up on the control thing here.  One night in at the rellies, as one night a week on the booze is well enough for me while I’m working hard at what I’m doing.

Otherwise, I’m pretty happy with how the training is going.  Have really only been into it a week or so, coming up on two weeks, but it’s starting to feel like routine.  Starting to see some results – my pants were definately looser than a couple of weekends ago when I was out with Dad.  That is pleasing, particularly cause it’s only two weeks.  I think the goal for this week will be to train 2 per day on at least 3 days, and golf twice.  Money’s always an issue with that though.

Golf was ok.  Nothing to write home about.  Hitting the driver well.  Still some inconsistencies to iron out, but it’s the short game that really needs the bulk of the work.  It was atrocious at best.  Putting was not great, missed quite a lot of relatively straight puts – maybe quitting on the follow through as Dad suggested.  Am planning to, and want to get some more work done – perhaps the short course at Innes Park is what I need to do a fair bit of for a while, just until I get the short game under control.  Have tried suggesting that MG put a putting surface in in the yard, but to no avail.  Bastards.  Although understandable – maintenance would be horrendous.

On the upside, we’ve discovered, through extensive research and experimentation, that low carb beer doesn’t give you a hangover!  There’s less alcohol and lower total volume of beer in the bottles, but at the end of the day, when you’ve had 10 stubbies, you feel like you’ve had 10 stubbies.  It’s full on strength but low on carbs, great for the diet and no hangover to boot!

Refreshed goals

So the time has come to get up and do what I want.  Vancouver came and went amidst a blur of booze and unhealthiness.  I’m back home now and things have changed.

I’ve decided to join the police.  It’s something that I’ve wanted forever, and it’s something that I’m extremely passionate about.  I think that now is the right time.  I’m sure that now is the right time.  It feels like the right time in my life to go through this sort of thing – the travel has given me direction; not so much made me more certain about doing this, but made me more confident that this is what I want to do long term.  More confident that I can and will stick this out and forge a career.  More confident that this is where I belong.

I’ve lost the desire to work with fat bastards who expect you can make them skinny and beautiful all while they eat a muffin for breakfast.  I’m tired of dealing with that sort of attitude.

Again

Starting all over again. It feels that way anyway. It feels as though I’ve let go of all the work that I did to get to the point where I was looking forward to running. I was in a good place then, even though the bad habits were still there, I was in a better place than I am now. The holiday was the downfall of that.

That’s just an excuse though. Another excuse.  I came back from the holiday wanting to do more stuff.  More mountain stuff, be more active, eat healthier and just be natually doing the right things.  It’s not happened that way, for various reasons but mostly just out of lack of desire and dedication.

I’ve made the decision to go home and do the police thing.  Before the holiday I was doing it for that reason only, and I think in the two weeks that I was doing alright I started to lose weight.  Nothing overly noticable, but it was there.

Monday is the beginning of a new chapter.  I’ve said this so many times before it seems nearly to the point that I don’t actually believe myself when I say it.  The way I’m feeling, at the moment, is for me about rock bottom.  I’m not eating well, not sleeping, feel fat and disgusting.  I’m constantly tired.  I get grumpy and cranky.  The list is endless.  I;m sat here typing with my eyes closed.  I’m exhausted.  I’ve not long ago had an extra shot latte.  That’s 3 shots of espresso and it hasn’t hit me.  It did for a little whileIt would be all very easy to say ‘oh well…maybe I just can’t do it.

Being here doesn’t make things easy.  It makes things fucking hard, but that’s one of the things that I just need to overcome.  People everywhere – drinking, smoking, eating shit – it all makes it harder cause it’s right there infront of me.  How fucking bad is this going to have to get before I actually take responsibility for what I’m doing to myself and sort it out?!

Monday is the start of it – I’m embarking on the 5 x 5 program, at the smacky gym, so not the best place, but I’m skint, the gym is cheap and accessible and it’s a beginning.  I’ll do the program as prescribed.  The only changes being that I’ll be using a rack for the squats when the weight gets up there…  I’ll do bench and the additional exercises as prescribed.  I’ll run one to two times per week and walk another two times per week.  The walks will be disguised as getting places.  Eating will be sorted out.  All the bad shit I’m doing will be stopped.

There’s no way I can go back to Australia like this.  I leave in about 3.5 months, it will be treated somewhat as a 12 week challenge, although not as strict.  I just want to be fitter, leaner and more healthy for when I get home.  That’s the goal, that’s all that I want out of this.

Fight the urge

K went back to Dublin today, in preparation to fly to Vancouver on tomorrow.  I am glad that she had a good night last night.  Everyone seemed to like her, quite a lot, maybe more than me!

I felt a bit bad today as she wanted me to go to Dublin with her for lunch.  When I woke up the prospect of spending 4 hours on the bus to go to lunch was too much.  A big part of me also wanted to see her.  I know that it was wrong for me not to accompany my sister today, but I just want to spend time with K-C before I go.  I can’t help myself.  I’m looking to spend time with her at every opportunity.  I do not know why.  I have no idea why I like her so much; and I’ve no words to explain the connection – it’s strength or why it’s there even.

After dropping K at the bus we headed for our regular table at Starbucks and chatted for ages.  Lunch turned into dinner in Moira.  Lunch and a drink turned into 7 hours sitting in the booth, playing I-want-to-touch-you-but-know-I-shouldn’t.  There was major contact between the legs, much more physical contact than we’d usually have.  and I liked it.  I wanted more.  She spent the majority of the afternoon sitting behind me, in the same side of the booth but watching the TV over my shoulder.  I would intentionally sit close to her cause I wanted to touch her.  I wasn’t sure how she would react, but she would lean into me a bit, she’d lean really close when I was saying something and would find an excuse to touch some part of my body throughout the afternoon.

I just wanted to lean back and sit, resting against her with her arms around me.  I knew we couldn’t be that public with our displays of affection so fought the urge to take her hand all afternoon.  Was on my best behaviour when she dropped me off, despite having 6 pints & feeling the love in a big way.

ABBA

Played golf with Lego girl and enjoyed it alright even though I didn’t play all that well.  12 points just but it was a nice day and the craic was alright.

Saturday was the ABBA party at The Watsons.  K had come up for the party which was nice as she’s had a bit of a shit time of it in Dublin.  Niamh is probably the biggest bitch in the world, as well as being one of the thickest people in existence.  I know…from personal experience!! 

We went to Munich & Berlin with her around Christmas time last year and it was one of the longest weeks of my life.  Everything from her lack of knowledge about travelling, both where we were travelling to and of how to survive on the road.  We went to some of the most culturally significant areas in Europe, in terms of recent history, and she had not a clue.  I mean seriously…  There was no knowledge of  Nazi history, what the Berlin wall was about and Dachau.  Really; she didn’t even think to bring her camera to Dachau, and even forgot the bloody charger, so took about 3 photos of the whole trip.  She was always bloody whining about money, every-bloody-thing cost too much for her, really, she bloody showed up in sneakers.  It’s Berlin, in the middle of winter – come on!  Enough about that trip, I’m angry with her cause she made K feel like shit.  She didn’t even wish her happy birthday – the bitch! 

I think the party on Saturday somewhat made up for it.   It was a cracking night.  Everyone made a really big effort with the costumes; so everyone fit in great.  When we first walked in it was actually a little difficult to recognise people cause of the get ups & the wigs.  Just about everyone at the club has short hair, but they were all in long wigs for the party and it was hilarious as everyone who didn’t normally ‘have hair’ kept walking around touching it all night.  Kinda crazy really.  By the end of the night I acquired a punk rocker wig with hair sticking everywhere.  There was some discussion about me having long hair & K said that if I did infact grow my hair out it would probably look exactly the same as what the wig looked like.  It was very cool though.

Managed not to get too drunk at the party.  Actually I wasn’t even drunk.  Had maybe 5 or 6 bottles of beer, so was very sensible.  Had good fun though.  The craic was mighty and everyone was in good form.  I really enjoyed the night that we had, I think partially because it was really my last night of ‘my life’; although I guess that Sunday really is the last night before I have to think about packing.

Girly-ness

I really can not be arsed tonight. I’ve got in from work grumpy, irritable and exhausted; showered quickly and am now debating the wisdom of doning a vest for tonight’s birthday dinner, for Ms G, at the Ivory.  Somehow I think I’d be killed if I arrived in a vest, unless it was adorned with sequins or something similarly pretty & girly.  Polo shirt it is.

I’ve found a shirt that looks sufficiently girly/nice, threw some moisturiser on my face, no make up – can not be arsed, some wax in my hair and some Davidoff Cool, for women & I’m ready for the off. Is it terrible of me that I can not be arsed going to one of my friends’ birthday dinners? Or just a sign of how tired I feel today?! Not getting enough sleep; that’s all.  Aside from that I do feel quite fat at the moment.  I know that it’s booze.  I know that if I stopped drinking there wouldn’t be a pick on me; but I love it!  Not to the alcoholic point, but I love it.  I can feel it round my waist, and it feels fucking disgusting.  I’ve been thrown off my training by the sister getting up here; and by the wind down of work; but it’s no excuse.  I do not want to get fat and lazy again.  Yet even as I write this I feel as though I’m not sure if I want to go and train tonight.  How do fatties cope with the feeling of rolls around them all day?  Ugh, disgusting!

On the up-side I’ve only 16 hours left to work.  Being out, alone & unemployed in the world is a pretty scary prospect, yet again.  But I wouldn’t have signed up for the adventure if it wasn’t what I wanted to do.

It seems the seasons, they have a-changed.  Yesterday was absolutely beautiful.  The sun was out, it was mild, when I say mild I mean thermal under Ping shirt for golfing, and the world seemed so much brighter.  Today I noticed the length of the afternoons more than I have before.  Although it is only 5pm I really felt a bit weird showering and getting ready to go out when it’s still light outside.  You really have no concept of the time here, and I think it’s a lot due to the amount of light in the summer, and the darkness in winter.  Also it’s so noticable cause of the speed at which it seems to change.  Dublin I think is said to change at about 3 minutes per day.  Up here I think, heard somewhere, and probably unreliably, that it’s more like 5.  5 minutes out of a day doesn’t seem like much, but it does make a difference.

My head is filled with all sorts of randomness today. First, I believe I may be starting to miss K-C when I even think about leaving.  Second, just as I am sat here I found myself wondering if Jillian was heading to the gym tonight. I’ve spoken to her via messenger since the incident; but haven’t seen her.  Sort of wonder if we need to talk about this. The compassionate side of me; especially seeing as how she said she’s having a little trouble wrapping her head around the whole issue.  Over the last couple of days I’ve caught myself wondering if I could be with her.  I’m not sure I could, but then I really don’t know her from outside the gym setting.  Or enough to know that anyway.

After my performance on Friday night, and Mrs U & I deciding that we were getting married, I happened to mention it to Jillian; saying that I’m not really the marrying type.  It was all in fun until I began to wonder, given my track record, and my inability to be 100% sure that I won’t cheat again, am I really not the marrying type?  Do I have the ability to remain faithful?  I really like to think that I could…but I’m just not sure.  Sad, isn’t it?