last chance saloon

Today, feeling as though I’m nearly in ‘last resort’ territory I emailed my cousin – a dietitian doing a PHD.  She’ll help me out I thought.  Away went the email and I’m now waiting patiently for a reponse.  I’ve not got one.

I arrived at work, feeling pleased that I’d done my morning run, but not pleased that I’d just waited too long, messing about, to make it to the gym before I came to work.  Although that might just have been a good thing – I’m starving, without doing the gym work.

At work I related to workmates how I emailed off, asking for advcice or a diet to help me get on track.  I’m needing this help, or feeling as though I need help because I feel deflated.  I feel that I’m not really getting anywhere and that it’s all for nothing.  Of course, I know it’s not.  And I know that I am getting results, I’m just getting tired of still being fat.  I know why the diets I write don’t work for me.  I’m not consistent enough.  I follow it like a deamon for a few weeks then boom – I’m over it.  Perhaps more variety is key.

the long and the short

Wow.  What a big couple of weeks.  It must have been about that long since I’ve posted.  I don’t know why, and I don’t really have a reason.  I guess laziness, perhaps tiredness, maybe just not feeling it.  Not feeling like sharing.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been up and down a bit.  I think the training has caught up.  I feel tired, constantly tired.  Like my body just needs a rest, like I need some time to unwind.  I always feel as though I could just close my eyes and go to sleep.  I wish that that would make it all go away.  I can feel it more in my demeanour than my muscles.  A frustration settles over everything and I’m less able to deal with shit.  Like if the smallest thing goes wrong, or doesn’t go the way I plan, intend or want it’s all over and I get the shits.  Not that I react, verbally or physically, but in my head it’s like everything’s about to come crashing down.  I take the hump and go quiet, or resentful.  I guess that really reflects exactly how I feel about some stuff where I’m living at the moment.  The patient like mentality is really getting me down.  At times I feel like a maid.

I’m not sure if it’s the isolation that I feel at times.  That I’m feeling a bit at the moment.  At times I long for a NI winter’s day with nothing on – a day when you can sit inside all day and eat, or sit by the fire and chill out with your friends.  I guess that is the isolation that I’m feeling coming out – right there, in that statement.  While I’m in with those I know, I’m not ‘in’, which at times makes me feel out.  I’m not right in the middle of the group, not that I need to be, but I feel at times as though I do not belong.  At times I feel unwelcome, and unwanted.  I guess it’s good that there are some holidays coming up – that I’ve some time to myself.  That’s what I’m looking forward to most about tomorrow night – coming home to an empty house.

I’ve really backed off the training this week – this twice a day thing has really taken it out of me.  So I do plan to do an easier week this week, although tomorrow will be (maybe) a run, then swim, then gym in the evening – I’m just not sure.  It honestly feels as though I need the rest at the moment.  I guess it probably is bordering on burnout – I thoroughly spanked myself over the last few weeks, burning 4500, 5000 and 3800 cal per week for the last 3.  I guess that the way to look at it was that this is my week off – but I fail to do that.

I know that my diet hasn’t been spot on, that I’ve wavered too much.  I do find it difficult being in a household where I don’t have control over what food gets cooked.  The way I’ve dealt with that in the past (the first few weeks that I was into it) was to really ‘concentrate’ during the day in lieu of being more lax at night, although I don’t know what’s happened – I’ve slipped.  I think it’s getting out of the working routine that’s put the breaks on my diet and food consumption.  I’m planning to be spot on with it while I’ve the house to myself – I guess I’ve just got to find a way to implement that to the family situation.  I do find it hard when, when asked what I want for dinner, I give the option of ‘chicken & vegies’ or ’steak & vegies’ and then get told that I’m not very imaginative.  I don’t know why that annoys me so much.  I know that it’s boring; but I also know that it’s good for me.

I’ve also been having doubts about the results that I’m seeing.  I can, or could, see changes in my face – it’s getting leaner, but the rest of my body is taking it’s sweet time in catching up.  I know that this happens to me -  that I lose it from my face, shoulders, legs and arms first.  It’s ALWAYS something that gets me.  And I believe that it’s something that really stops me from achieving my goals.  What if I just held out – if I hold out another 5 weeks, worrying only about the processes, not the results – I wonder how much difference actually would be made.  I’m also trying not to weigh – but I had to the other night for my application form – nothing.  Nil.  Nada.  Zilch.  Zero.  That’s right – flogging my guts out for 3 weeks and there was no actual change in the scale.  Yes, I may have put on muscle, and my muscles may be holding onto water – but I’ve fucking lost nothing.  I can not believe that, and it is so disheartening.  I just don’t know what to do about this.  I know stopping is not the answer; but I’m not overly sure what I’d be saying if I was my client.

Actually, I do know.  Take a body fat test I’d be saying.  I guess I should do that.  One day when I’m home alone.  Will swim tomorrow – if I can find my adidas togs, but I feel as though they’ve gone missing.  In the car maybe.  For now I need to sleep to get this emotional crap out of my system.

a bit weird with my food

I’ve learnt, in the last couple of days, that my eating, diet and food preferences are, in fact, a bit weird.

I like to drink milk with pizza.  I also like milk right after a good feed of bacon & eggs.  Weird, I know.

I actually like cottage cheese.  Better when with carrot, celery or cucumber sticks; but I actually like the white, salty, lumpy, sometimes watery stuff called cottage cheese.  I like the taste.  I like that it is one of the best sources of protein available (and is also one of the lowest in fat).  I don’t like the low fat version though – too watery.  But the real cc is like 4% fat anyway – there’s no need to go any lower than that when you’re eating 100g per day.

I like peanut butter on salad sandwiches (oh how I long for a sanga on white bread) or wraps.  Everybody thinks I’m weird for it,  but it’s awesome!  I highly recommend it to everyone I know, whether they like pb, or salad for that matter, or not.  It adds a satay kinda flavour to the sanga, without being too strong.  Was compelled to try it by my little cousin a few years ago and will readily admit to being skeptical at first but after one bite I was converted.  And have been eating it ever since.

I like grapes, but not sultanas.  I can not see, at all, how these two foods are related.  Even remotely.  Sultanas have the capacity to make me spew.  They are one of the very few foods that I do not eat, and will not try.  Except in raisin bread, of course.

I also hate, and will not eat dates, in anything or in any form.

I’m not much of a fan of dried figs either.

I like guava.  More for the texture than the actual taste.  I think they taste a little bit like nothing, but the texture is just so exquisitely different – seedy, fleshy, soft and firm all at once.

I like weird things in my salad.  Grapes for example.  Or green beans.  I just like to try different combinations; which is why I make great salads.

I hate capsicum; or peppers as I came to know them in NI.  But quite like creamy roasted pepper soup.

missed the eagle

Putting practice required.

Golf today at the rum.  Was not entirely bad.  Not bad at all.  I went round in 97 – 6 more than someone off about 9, and all six shots really came from penalties.  One in the water, one out of bounds and one as a penalty shot when I had to crawl under the bushes to retrieve my ball.  Better than a lost ball, but it would have been nice if had even trickled from the bush out into the other fairway.

Short game was much much better.  Not so much the putting, although I think it was significantly better than the last game I played, but I chipped with a lot more confidence, and think I’ve started to have a bit more faith in hitting my cute little 60 degree wedge.  I was using a pro V for a while there, and it was awesome – it really was like the ball stopped a lot quicker.

Driving was ok, but I’ve started to pull them towards the end – perhaps just a little of playing around with my swing…  On the 18th I’d hit a fair drive, up the middle, but I didn’t really feel as though it went all that well.  We got up there and I took my 3 wood and hit it – long and straight baby!  We got to the green and my ball’s sat, pin high, about 5 foot from the hole, in two, on a par 5.  I think probably the best (and maybe only) eagle chance I’ll ever have.  Missed the putt – on the amateur side, although it wasn’t an easy putt.

Was much happier with golfing today, however I still think there’s plenty of room for improvement.  At least I’m back to playing off 25.  Now I’ve just got to stay there.

My FT set me a pretty rediculous goal for this week – 6:40 of training, burning 4050 cal.  I never thought I could do it while working, but I’ve surprised myself this week.  Although I’m not going to make the target this week (even though I was well on track the whole week and extremely motivated to get there) I think it’s a positive thing.  I was fatigued at the end of the week, but I don’t think that I was to the point that I couldn’t have done one more training session if it had been necessary.  I chose to do nothing on Saturday, and to train relatively easily on Friday in the manner of keeping healthy.  I know that I did some exercise today, with the golf, and although I didn’t make the goal set by my heart rate monitor I’m sure that I’ve achieved more than enough this week.

Even if it’s just having a tune up when I need one!

beach sprints

Well…despite a distinct lack of running, my shins are back to hurting.  Ice required.  I’m not sure why they’re hurting.  Perhaps standing while working all day; perhaps the training fins, perhaps the dramatic increase in exercise over the last two weeks.  Perhaps also the nimbus.  In truth, I probably need new orthotics, I’m just not in the place to afford them at the moment, but at the same time I don’t think that I can go into the academy not having them – particularly if there’s lots of running involved.

Slept much better last night.  Got in bed for 9.15 then read for a while.  Sleep came relatively easily after about half 10.  Was up at half 5 and off to the beach for a sprint session.  Was so nice down at the beach this morning.  Will probably wear swimmers and a bra next time and do some water running afterwards.  Will be a bit of a pain in the arse though if I’m wet getting into the car.  The water was lovely, the little bit we did paddle.  Did the sprints in the soft sand 5 x about 20m, 5 x short hills, 5 x long hills.  All up about 30 minutes.

27:35

340c, 18%

AHR: 162

MHR: 208

Going to the gym before work today, then working 12 – 9.  Not a bad day really.  Eyes feel tired again, but there’s been plenty of food sent to work so I’ll have lots of supplies when I get there.  2 x protein shakes today me thinks.

At work again now.  Minding the second shop.  Probably my favourite job in this place.  Gym was alright, though I got a little carried away with the whole application thing and was a bit late for the gym.  This application is taking up a hell of a lot of time.  Who keeps track of everywhere they’ve lived since they were 10?

Anyway, the gym.  No cardio warm up, just jump in and go…

C & J – 5 x 10@ 20

DB BP with twist – 3 x 10 – 6, 7, 7

Neutral pulldown – 3 x 10 @ 22.5

Seated row – 3 x 10 @ 27.5

DB Bent over flyes – 3 x 10 @ 6

Standing one arm row – 3 x 10 @ 22.5

45 LP – 3 x 10 @ 80

35:38

364 cal, 29%

AHR:145

MHR: 173

Not bad considering I was running late.  Still working up to working proper hard, but I’m getting there.  Consistency is most important until it becomes a lifestyle change.  Working a lot less hours next week, so hope to get even more training done.  And some more golf.

Just in from work.  Am shagged.  I’ve a really tight left hamstring, a sore left knee and my neck feels shite.  As does my right trap.  Hoping a night of sleep and not getting up at 5.30am will soothe all the pain and fatigue, I don’t think it will, but there’s always hope. I was feeling good until now – or till my knee started hurting at about 4pm.  Not exactly sure what it is – amd a little worried, but for no particular reason.  I feel as though it’s all to do with the hamstring that’s tight as feck.  Feel incredibly old tonight.

Updating before bed.  Is this what life has come to??

the lesbian and the kids

Today wasn’t nearly so bad. The ginger was a bit grizzly, but nothing as bad as I’ve seen him in the past.  Bloody horrible would be the only way to describe it, and he certainly wasn’t that.

Training this morning was good.  Consisted of an hour in the pool.  Not a bad effort.  Managed to get a bit of a lie in before having breakfast, making lunch and washing up.  The usual routine.  I wasn’t feeling overly tired this morning, just had enough sleep that I woke up when I was ready, although I did hear the first couple of squeaks from the other side of the wall.

Swam for an hour – my usual 100m on 3 minutes was completely blown out of the water, and I rolled 1k in about 25 and a half.  Was pretty impressed, and just managed to squeeze out another 200m before I hit 30.  Definite improvement.  I’m not actually swimming faster, just having less rest, and continually doing more work in the same amount of time – result!!

A couple of the guys at work asked me why I wasn’t aiming to swim a certain number of laps each time I went – and I think today proved that point.  When I set out, I had no idea that I wanted to swim for so long, or that I wanted to swim 2k in total.  I just felt in the groove, so I kept on going.  I think that that’s how it has to be with my training.  I also think that that approach works for me cause I’m not the type to give in.  I like to give training a bit of lip, and to keep going when times get tough.  I like to beat what I did previously.  Set out to improve each and every session.  I know that at some point that’s not going to be possible, but it’s something that drives me to keep working, to keep getting better.  Think my AHR was also a bit higher this time round – makes sense really.

1 hour

768c, 17%

AHR: 165

MHR: 185

Work wasn’t so bad.  Just bloody counting, counting and more counting.  Went quick enough, but every two hours I was looking round for something to eat.  Was all good though, and well within the diet.  Just sitting here and I’m actually thirsty.  The lesbian and the kids were in today.  Someone I potentially would have hooked up with once, I was just standing, overhearing their conversation thinking that I was a bit weirded out by her child (perhaps only 6 months old) not wanting ‘boob’ anymore.  That, or perhaps the image of being with someone who’s breastfeeding (and said breastfeeding’s implications on fucking) was making me crazy.  As much as I love boobs, I’m not into that at all.

Gym session after work, even though my eyes were well tired.  Went and did my strength work.  I still don’t feel that I’m pushing as hard as I can with the weights at the moment.  Think I’m still in a bit of an adjustment phase being in a new gym and all.  It’s like they’ve tried to cram too much shit in the space and it feels cramped, and you have to negotiate your way around pieces of fluffy equipment to get to the good, and worthwhile stuff – like the single power cage they have in there.

40:10

405c, 30%

AHR: 143

MHR: 166

For the moment I’m concentrating on big exercises – nothing isolation.  I’m doing at least one powerlifting move per workout, although not heavy.  I’m going to have to write myself a program and get into the routine of lifting heavy again.  Shit.  Bring on the mental strength.  The scales were mighty tempting tonight, but I wasn’t really wanting to see what’s going on there.  I feel as though the weight isn’t shifting, although I know I’m getting leaner around my head.  Sounds stupid; but I am seeing weight loss from my face.  Perhaps it’s the little bit of a tan that I’ve going on now.

Done.  Absolutely done.

unravelling the good

What a great weekend I had.  Friday night there were drinks and a delicious roast and polenta dinner here, Saturday I spent all day at work, before heading in for more beers with the rellies.  Sunday we played golf at the town course then had some more drinks.  Obviously, from that ultra quick run down, all the good work from last week was nearly undone with the diet and booze blow out of the weekend.  I’ve really got to tighten up on the control thing here.  One night in at the rellies, as one night a week on the booze is well enough for me while I’m working hard at what I’m doing.

Otherwise, I’m pretty happy with how the training is going.  Have really only been into it a week or so, coming up on two weeks, but it’s starting to feel like routine.  Starting to see some results – my pants were definately looser than a couple of weekends ago when I was out with Dad.  That is pleasing, particularly cause it’s only two weeks.  I think the goal for this week will be to train 2 per day on at least 3 days, and golf twice.  Money’s always an issue with that though.

Golf was ok.  Nothing to write home about.  Hitting the driver well.  Still some inconsistencies to iron out, but it’s the short game that really needs the bulk of the work.  It was atrocious at best.  Putting was not great, missed quite a lot of relatively straight puts – maybe quitting on the follow through as Dad suggested.  Am planning to, and want to get some more work done – perhaps the short course at Innes Park is what I need to do a fair bit of for a while, just until I get the short game under control.  Have tried suggesting that MG put a putting surface in in the yard, but to no avail.  Bastards.  Although understandable – maintenance would be horrendous.

On the upside, we’ve discovered, through extensive research and experimentation, that low carb beer doesn’t give you a hangover!  There’s less alcohol and lower total volume of beer in the bottles, but at the end of the day, when you’ve had 10 stubbies, you feel like you’ve had 10 stubbies.  It’s full on strength but low on carbs, great for the diet and no hangover to boot!

Grumpy Chops

The well worn path of beginning is looking oh so familiar again.  Normally I get into this, this far then further, then sometimes further still but ultimately it ends in the same result.

I’m really enjoying the exercise, the feeling of being tired, the muscular pain and pushing is something that tells me that I’m doing well, and doing the right thing.  Today was a relatively easy day – swimming just.  I felt tired on the way to the pool.  Swam well, probably better than I have before, held 10 x 100 @ 3 minutes fairly well, then did some breath and lung volume work.  I did try doing some longer stuff, but really really suffer towards the last 25m.

I arrived to work in a rather unpleasent mood.  I’m not really sure what was up, but from the outset I could tell that it wasn’t going to be a great day.  I’ve days when I’ve no patience whatsoever.  Nothing is right, and nothing goes the way I want it to go.  I say fuck a lot these days.  I was also really hungry today.  Perhaps the long-ness of the day, woken at 6.30 by the ginger squealing, to finishing work at 9pm.  Not short.

I ate good today, and I think I’ve the during the day stuff sorted out, it’s the night time meals that will kill me.  How do I say to the hosts that I don’t want to eat carbs for dinner, or fatty snags.  That good old chicken & vege will do me.

While doing not much at work I discovered a blog that looks interesting…  Caroline Koll.  Will have to look in more detail, but it looks interesting enough.  She’s an ironman triathlete so it will be interesting to have a ‘flick’ through to see what she’s got to say for herself.

Again

Starting all over again. It feels that way anyway. It feels as though I’ve let go of all the work that I did to get to the point where I was looking forward to running. I was in a good place then, even though the bad habits were still there, I was in a better place than I am now. The holiday was the downfall of that.

That’s just an excuse though. Another excuse.  I came back from the holiday wanting to do more stuff.  More mountain stuff, be more active, eat healthier and just be natually doing the right things.  It’s not happened that way, for various reasons but mostly just out of lack of desire and dedication.

I’ve made the decision to go home and do the police thing.  Before the holiday I was doing it for that reason only, and I think in the two weeks that I was doing alright I started to lose weight.  Nothing overly noticable, but it was there.

Monday is the beginning of a new chapter.  I’ve said this so many times before it seems nearly to the point that I don’t actually believe myself when I say it.  The way I’m feeling, at the moment, is for me about rock bottom.  I’m not eating well, not sleeping, feel fat and disgusting.  I’m constantly tired.  I get grumpy and cranky.  The list is endless.  I;m sat here typing with my eyes closed.  I’m exhausted.  I’ve not long ago had an extra shot latte.  That’s 3 shots of espresso and it hasn’t hit me.  It did for a little whileIt would be all very easy to say ‘oh well…maybe I just can’t do it.

Being here doesn’t make things easy.  It makes things fucking hard, but that’s one of the things that I just need to overcome.  People everywhere – drinking, smoking, eating shit – it all makes it harder cause it’s right there infront of me.  How fucking bad is this going to have to get before I actually take responsibility for what I’m doing to myself and sort it out?!

Monday is the start of it – I’m embarking on the 5 x 5 program, at the smacky gym, so not the best place, but I’m skint, the gym is cheap and accessible and it’s a beginning.  I’ll do the program as prescribed.  The only changes being that I’ll be using a rack for the squats when the weight gets up there…  I’ll do bench and the additional exercises as prescribed.  I’ll run one to two times per week and walk another two times per week.  The walks will be disguised as getting places.  Eating will be sorted out.  All the bad shit I’m doing will be stopped.

There’s no way I can go back to Australia like this.  I leave in about 3.5 months, it will be treated somewhat as a 12 week challenge, although not as strict.  I just want to be fitter, leaner and more healthy for when I get home.  That’s the goal, that’s all that I want out of this.

Split shift again. 15 Hours Down

Yet another split shift.  Feel more used & abused than I really want, although how can one tell the difference between being a good person, kind hearted & doing the right thing and being just plain walked all over?  Sometimes I feel as though I get stuck in the middle of that great big abandon.  I won’t see them stuck, but I feel as though I really can’t say no.  I’m too close.  I live to close.  I’m too nice.

 

To be fair GI Joe is very good to me at times, like letting me off work early to play golf, then giving me the hours, saying that I make it up anyway.  Which I do.  Simone the big man would never have considered that to be fair but GI Joe knows I put in.  Knows I earn what I get.  Loads of people have said to me that the place will fall apart when I’m gone.  K-C reckons she’s leaving.  No motivation to come she says.  Is that me, or the program?!  Hmmm.

 

I was surprisingly busy at work today.  Not so busy, but every time I was just getting into something someone was lookin me for something or other, just generally being high maintenance.  Me being tempermental…  Ma’s mate phoned me twice, once to say that Big Pelier could come to the spin-a-thon (bloody good thing too or I would have had to call and shout at him).  So I mentioned that one of us would be in contact with him.  Then she called again to tell me that I shouldn’t phone him, that he was busy at work & he said to her not to phone him at work.  Bloody hell – I can imagine why – no doubt he doesn’t want her rabbitting on at him while he’s doing his copper thing.  I briefly wondered if she phoned him to ask if she could take a crap.  Probably.  GI Joe and I laughed about that, she’s a nutter – harmless but an absolute numpty head.

  

Today was the beginning of the end of the spin-a-thon challenge, or Saturday from hell as I’ve begun referring to it as.  My god, I can not believe what I’ve signed up for.  So, it’s currently all systems go on the eating front.  7000cal in a day.  Shite.  Actually, that might be a great weight management plan…do one of them a month & bada-bing bada-boom, all of a sudden you’re maintaining the athlete look no worries.  Insane thought.  Definitely saner people locked up…

 

 

The new Polar is awesome.  FT60 training computer it’s officially known as.  I’ll just say it’s class.  It is clear, does everything one could ever want and looks smashing.  And at £184.50 it costs more than most can afford, or will pay, making it kinda exclusive.  I love my Polar.  I’ll be sad to get rid of the orange one, but I kinda need the 50 quid.

 

Training today was light.  Just a quick spin to empty the glycogen out of my legs before I load up again for Saturday.  After the spin I did K-C’s new weights program, somewhat to see what it was like, somewhat out of boredom & somewhat to tell her that I can do it, to push her further.  Was a bit easy, I must say.  Although I think a lot of it was cause of the fatigue from spin, that I probably didn’t push as hard as I could have.  That I just set out to do what she did…only a little more weight.  GI Joe stretched the hell out of my hammies & calves before I spun.  Was surprised by the flexibility still in them, even though they felt as tight as hell.  Also getting pretty happy with the development in my legs, some nice shape coming through above my knees.  Although still not as good at K-Cs.  I love her legs.  Could look at them all night long, all day & for, well, just such great definition in her quads - absolutely class!

 

SPIN (Maximise performance & improve fitness)

1:00:27

554 cal (23% fat)

AHR: 153

MHR: 183

Zones: H: 25:04; M: 22:52; L: 12:30

 

WEIGHTS (fat burn & improve fitness)

00:23:34

158 cal (36% fat)

AHR: 131

MHR: 185

Zones: H: 00:41; M: 07:49; L: 13:59

After I’d trained & rested for an hour I was back at work for shift 2/2 today.  K-C was in looking through her program – we had some great craic.  I love working with her…cause I can tell her what I think & she takes it.  Cause I don’t have to baby her.  I just like hanging out with her.  In so deep.  Feck!

Just went off to get some food before.  Loads of protein, stuff for sangas – cooked chicken, turkey, avoes etc.  Steak, broccoli & loads of fruit.  Also got some of my favourite greek yoghurt and some of the wonderfully delicious and zingy Intense burn energy drink – 2 for £1.50 woot.  Bring on Saturday of hell.