Told

So I’ve just come in from a rather successful night here at work.  I’m feeling extremely tired, my eyes are gritty and I just want to sleep.  Problem is, I’m told some of the blokes out here are saying shit like ‘look at her, why is she out here teaching us this stuff’.   According to them, I’m fat.  And it’s getting to me.  Getting to me big time.  Cause everyone else out here is the epitome of physical perfection. Fuckers!

I know I’m not in great shape, but to hear it coming from fat, lazy, lard-arsed miners is a real kick in the guts.  A wake up call.

I acted as though it didn’t matter to me, but it did.  I’m working on it.  It’s more than I can say about probably 95% of the people out here.  They’ve obviously no comprehension of body types.  If they did they’d have some idea that some people never will be thin.  Stick figure, malnourished waife thin. 

But that’s beside the point.  Hearing that come from someone else, someone who has no idea about me is a real motivating point.  I’d already decided that I was going to do two training sessions tomorrow, but now I feel as though I really should just ramp it up, 12 week challenge style, and go hard.  Prove the fuckers wrong.

Today, before going to work for the 2nd time, I put my shorts and work polo on, and actually thought I could see some results happening.  Tonight I put my jeans on, with the same polo and only saw fat bastard.  How can my head do that.  I suppose that it is good, cause I know when I see results I tend to get complacent, and that I need to keep working, to maintain some form of consistency, but really.  I always struggle to see when the results are coming, in my own body at least, but I thought I saw some improvement today.  Some results. 

I can see that around my shoulders I’m losing weight, and that is always the first place it goes for me.  I’m pretty sure on my legs, from about mid thigh down I’m getting leaner; and that is also where I lose it first.  Shoulders and legs.

I know I lost weight after the operation, but I don’t know if I’m putting it back on or not.  I feel as though not.  My 97 work pants fit way more comfortably now, and I’m wearing them completely done up, lower than I was last swing.  I’m also getting the belt to the 2nd hole a lot easier now – I don’t even have to pull.  When I’m wearing my 97s at the same height as I was last swing (harry high-pants height) I can get the belt done up to the 3rd hole.  So that is a positive result.

I’m just upset at the attitude that miners take to people who come in and promote things that are really only there to help them.  They are more than happy to sit back and bitch and moan like someone’s going to cut their leg off if England don’t win the next football world cup, but you try to do something for them and it’s never enough.

I think I wrote the other day that they were complaining that the classes are on M, W & F to suit the day staff (the ones with an education); when they are totally not.  I said that if they had any balls they would come and ask why and I’d tell them the actual fucking reason, but they won’t.  Too gutless.  They’d rather just bitch about the program, we-never-get-anything, self pity style which brings down morale and undermines the program and the positive effects it has on people.

Whining, bitching wankers!

Trying times

So I’m out here in the bush, working 12 hours per day and at times I feel so so alone.

I’m trying with the training, and it is getting easier to get out of the house and into the gym.  Today wasn’t a struggle at all.  There was no debate, I just headed out.

I’ve been going more consistently than I have for months.  I’m struggling with the training though.  I’m so unfit.  At least I’m getting over the unmotivated and lazy.

I’m really trying with the food.  Every day I have salad for lunch, and eggs on 1 slice of toast for breaky.  I am gradually getting my portion sizes down – tonight and last night have probably been the best for that so far.

I think I’m starting to see some results.  My training pants feel slightly looser, but whether that’s cause I hadn’t washed them for a couple of days or not.  I did them tighter yesterday while running.  I guess tomorrow when I put them on will be the real test.

Of late I’ve been thinking quite a bit about how selfish D81 is being.  I guess reading the chance one post and it made me cranky.  Just about the continual shit treatment, and the bitching that I’ve heard about from D79. 

A group of mates and I have planned a holiday for the end of the year.  Initially the rest of us (not D81) thought that it was going to be an issue getting her to come along without the dealer.  At the end of the day it wasn’t all that hard.  D79 brought it up with her, saying we wanted it to be a partner free holiday.  I believe it was taken pretty well, with the exception of when my name was mentioned.  I’m told D81 said “I’m sure [me] would feel differently if she had a partner”.

Yes, I might; but I think that would be an entirely different situation.  When I’m with a partner I do not act in a manner that makes others uncomfortable.  I don’t isolate people with my behaviour.  I don’t have to be touching my partner every single minute of the day.

I’ve also been thinking quite a lot about the ex.  I miss her a lot.  More than I expected that I’d miss someone I’ve known 5 months.  I just want to be able to talk to her, to see her and to feel her wrap her arms around me.  Everything seems better that way.

Early

My body is telling me not to go there with her. She is due back, tomorrow maybe. And even after weeks of silence I probably would go there, with her, in a huge way.

I’m obviously not meant to as I am ‘broken’ 2 days early. Clearly a sign there especially due to me being just about spot on a 26 day cycle. Suddenly June has become 24. Hmmm…

Communication embargo

I’m not entirely sure what’s going on. You’re not responding to messages, and clearly not answering my phone calls. Seems we’ve gone away from the original idea of keeping in contact, and are now doing the exact opposite. Except I wasn’t made aware of this. I wasn’t told that we were no longer communicating, that you wouldn’t be answering my calls, or messages.

No, just left looking like a fucking dickhead stalker trying to get in contact with you. Not that I’d mind looking a dickhead stalker to you, but I’m not that. I’m just confused. Confused as to what went wrong. Did I do something? Is it all too serious, considering our circumstances? Are you finding it hard?

I’m struggling with not knowing what’s going on. I’m wondering what I did or what happened to make this all so sudden, and happen without so much as a fight or even us having words. This has just been thrust upon me without any prior warning. I guess that you could have lost your phone, but I don’t think that would happen. I’m praying that you’ve lost your phone, for just the slightest respite in the pain of knowing that somewhere, somehow I fucked up again. Although I can’t think of what I did…

I don’t think I’m angry. Hurt and disappointed more than angry I’d say. I am disappointed cause I thought we had a stronger, more mature relationship than that. Hurt cause, well I’m still fucking hurting at what has been done to us. I hate that there were no real decent options, no options that left us anything more than skype dates, phone calls and seeing each other once a month. I liked you, and us, enough to try that. To see where things went. I guess you control your head better than I do hey.

I didn’t think that I’d ever be here again. Particularly with you. You seemed so normal. So real in the way you approached things. You seemed I think that’s what makes it hurt more. It all just fell apart and this has come from someone I never expected to get it from. I’ve said so many nice things to my friends about you. My friends liked you. It now appears that we were all fooled…

Would have been polite to tell me, but at least I fucking know where I stand now.

Non-event style

Things never fucking change. People never change. Especially the ones that you want to.

I was so anxious about today, about meeting up with the ex but it didn’t happen. I just don’t know what to do. What happened tonight elicited exactly the same response as what the same incident would have got about 4.5 years ago. I’m trying not to be too upset by it, and yes, I understand work does keep you back, but if you want to catch up with someone you make it happen. Or at least that’s what I thought you did.

‘m just not all that sure what to think about the happenings of tonight. 

Disappointed much.

recruit in waiting

I’m tired of waiting.  All the waiting is adding up, making me stressed and also making me doubt the decision that I’ve made, not only to join, but also the process of returning home to join.  It’s frustrating. 

I thought that the time I’d taken with my application, in an effort to be thorough would pay off, however I’m not sure that it is going to help in any way.  I think that it would be a little more comforting to know that my application could progress even without the fingerprint clearance from Canada.  At least that way I would know that as soon as it gets back I could get into the Academy.  I’m just frustrated and disappointed.  I just want to get on with it.

Friday at last

TGIF, but it’s not even as good as it sounds.  Friday this week is the first day of the sale.  Work on Saturday is the second.  It’s hard to imagine a more difficult end to the week; particularly after the trials of today.

Gym this morning, it was good, but I didn’t feel anywhere near as strong.  I’m really feeling the difference of adding weight each session, through to the end of the week, my final session before the two day break nearly kills me.  Push ups were absolute shit today.  12, 7, 4 was crap, and a lot worse that I thought I would perform, but I think that it’s a result of pushing harder, or having to work harder on the bench.  I certainly felt that weight on the bench more today.

5 x 5 A

Squats @ 35

Bench Press @ 32.5

Inverted Row – 12, 8, 8

Push ups – 12, 7, 4

Reverse Crunch – 3 x 12

I got a letter today, from the police about my previous residence in various countries overseas.  Turns out I need a finger print check from one of those countries.  I looked up current processing times and it turns out that it takes, or can take, in excess of 4 months.  Fucking bullshit.  Every single thing that can be presented as an obstacle is being presented as an obstacle.  I’m not sure if I can deal with this anymore.

rut diving

I’m officially in a rut, golf wise.  I didn’t think that things could actually get much worse than they have been over the last week or so, but again my expectations have been exceeded.  Although this time not in a positive way.  Today was awful.  There are no other words to describe the sheer atrocity that was golf today.  Train wreck.

The back nine wasn’t so bad, and neither, I guess was the front 4 holes, that we played after starting on the 5th.  The 5th to the 10th was awful.  Just awful.  I really felt that even though I wasn’t hitting the ball all that well, and that I was just mishitting a lot of short chips, in terms of distance, that a lot of the cookie crumbs just didn’t fall with me.  A few putts hit the hole then passed it, most probably should have dropped.  I drove to the middle of the fairway on the 2nd, aiming that way and it kicked left at about a 45deg angle down to behind the trees, where I normally come from.  I chose the right club, Gap as it was shorter than normal, and hit it well and right to where I wanted it to go, and it went off the back.  I hit my P from the tee on the 7th, and it wound up about 35 m over the back.  When do I ever fucking hit the P 125m??  Just nothing worked today.  Driver was going ok, better towards the back 9.  Putting, although not all that great, was better.  32 but that isn’t reflective as I putted in twice from off the green.  I seemed to find that a lot easier than controlling my short chips today.

I just don’t know where to start in fixing it.  Perhaps it’s time for some lessons.  It was also really slow today – not as slow as NI; but pretty bloody slow for a par 64 course.  The slowness definitely reflected in my AHR & Cal for the session

3:33:33 (conveniently enough)

743 cal, 53%

AHR: 103

MHR: 142

The gym after wasn’t so bad.  I actually felt as though it was a good time to run.  Running didn’t hurt my shins at all, even though the medial side of my left calf was a little tight.  There was absolutely no pain down the shins at all.  I’m trying to run, more on my toes, rather than having my heel go down first on footstrike.  I’m striking with the ball of my foot and just in front of my hip.  I guess that by using this form I’m trying to eliminate the primary concern for me, and shin splints – impact through the heel.  I haven’t been running for a few days, so the rest may have something to do with it; but I think the altered running form, regular icing (almost nightly) and stretching (not nightly, but getting there) are helping.  I wore SKINS Powersocks to bed the other night.  They weren’t uncomfortable at all with the exception of a little bit of tenderness in the morning when I woke – from the firm upper cuff.  Today I thought that my legs weren’t as fatigued when just walking, before golf.

Run Intervals – endurance

walk 2 mins

run 5 mins @ 9.2, walk 1 min x 4

10 mins cycle – random program (climb) – level 5 to finish

37:40

505 cal, 15%

AHR: 170

MHR: 189

I surprised myself a bit with the run today.  I don’t know why I did longer intervals, it just felt like the right thing to do at the time.  I did the first couple fairly easily, but the second two of the 5 min runs were tough, but I did them.  I honestly surprised myself with how well I run them, I felt comfortable all the way, not like I was overly stressed – although my heart rate certainly was higher on the last two of the four that I ran.  It didn’t really get above 186 though which is good.

I don’t know if I’m seeing results or not.  Some days I am, some days I’m not.  I’m back at the 5 x 5 tomorrow morning, squatting might be hard, but it’s only 35.  That’s what I’m up to now.  I can’t wait to do overhead press again as I think, when I get to the top and hold briefly, I look like I’ve lost weight in that position, although my eyes could be fooling me.  The Aunt seems to think that I’ve lost more weight, when questioned about my legs due to the work shorts dilemma.  I hate trying to lose weight, but I’m finally feeling as though I might be making a little bit of progress.  Mostly down to food choices I think – eating right and making sensible decisions, with my head not my mouth.  But then again, wtf do I know?!  Socks on again tonight, we’ll see how the morning goes.

depression

I seem to have hit a low point.  And what a low point it is turning out.

I’m not sure what’s wrong.  I’m not sure if I could even hazard a guess.  I don’t think I would have any idea where to start; or I do know where to start, just I don’t know if that, or these issues, are the major contributing factor of if they’re merely a coincidental side or lesser issue.  I just don’t know.

Over the last couple of weeks it’s been something that’s been constantly there.  I thought that it had something to do with needing some alone time – before the housemates went away for a holiday.  That seemed to do the trick for a bit.  While it was just me it was grand.  I was grand.  I really had a good week and a bit; but then boom…straight back into it when they returned.

Yesterday afternoon was the first time that I’ve really considered depression as a source of all this anger, emptiness, hopelessness and loneliness that I’m feeling at the moment.  I really don’t like to think that I’ve depression; and thinking about it, pondering my life, while on the beach yesterday afternoon I googled it.  None of the signs & symptoms immediately rang a bell with me, but today things seem different.  There’s a whole new light on things, particularly since I cooked an awesome meal for dinner.

Yesterday was terrible.  I was so irritable and temperamental.  I literally could feel an almost overwhelming sense of frustration or even internalised anger.  I was like that all day.  Like I wanted to do something to get rid of the pent-up anger and frustration; perhaps even energy that I had in my system, but there was nothing there that could or would help.  I was washing up and burnt my hand twice on the fucking kettle cause it’s a tiny sink and it’s kept in the wrong fucking place.  I remember shouting ‘fuck’ very clearly and very loudly and I’m sure that everyone outside would have heard it.  I just didn’t care that people heard that.  I wanted simply to go away and not have anyone bother me.  But that wasn’t happening.

Today wasn’t so bad.  I suppose the ginger didn’t whinge as much this morning; and things were a little better at work today.  I don’t know why my moods are so up and down.  Perhaps I’ve bipolar.  I just don’t fucking know.  Anyway, I got sent home from work early, with instructions to make dinner, which I did.  The dinner was delicious.  All was good after dinner just involving watching telly & checking some emails.  On the way to bed I heard the patient get up and do something.  Wondering if I’d forgotten to turn a light off, or the computer or something I went round and asked exactly that.  They both stared blank faced at me & then he said that he got up to shut the front door.  Both of them laughing saying ‘I’ve no idea what she was talking about’ as I turned and walked to the shower nearly had me in tears – I just slammed the bathroom door (unintentionally) and got in the shower.  I felt as though they were laughing at me; not even considering the though behind the question that I’d asked.

It’s so isolating.  All the little jibes directed at me, about me, or about something I do.  It makes me feel alone, isolated and worthless.  Like I’m only here to wash up and cook and for them to have a common ground as someone to pick on or make fun of.  It’s like I can’t take a joke about me anymore.  I think that the only reason that I’m like that is that I feel at the moment as though I need to be a bit on the defensive cause there’s no one else here that will stick up for me.  And there’s not.

I’m not happy.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  But at the moment I feel as though I’ve no choice.  I just have to stick this out until I get the call that I start in a month.  As soon as the testing’s done and my start date gets set I’ll be off – probably just chilling and training somewhere.  But that’s the issue.  I get more training done here than I do anywhere else, the only exception being Vegas; but Vegas is a money issue at the moment.  It’s just more in the lifestyle here.  But, long-term I think the decision about coming here for the FYC is made – I’m going to ask for Vegas, and hope like fuck I get it.  If not, I’m not sure where I’ll go next.

In the shower tonight I was thinking about the isolation thing, and if it is in fact what is causing me all these problems.  I think it is.  I think that being lonely cause I feel like there is no emotional support there is driving my frustration and anger.  I want a girlfriend.  I want someone who cares about me, and I want someone who I can talk to while I know that they will support me, not continually pick at things that I do – and only focus on any mistakes that I might make.

It probably doesn’t help that since their return the ginger porker doesn’t want anything to do with me.  He doesn’t want anything to do with anyone but the patient to tell the truth, but it’s ridiculous.  He takes absolutely no notice of me – today in fact he stopped in his tracks at seeing me on the lounge chair.  The little fucker.  That actually made me feel really bad.  The patient said something to him about not liking me today so I said ‘well, the feeling is mutual’ and was promptly told that it was not a very nice thing to say.

How the fuck am I supposed to react.  Before they went away he was perfectly happy to be around me and now he fucking doesn’t want a fucking thing to do with me.  What am I supposed to feel about that, and how the fuck am I supposed to react to that.  I said to the matriarch today that I can not be bothered persisting if he continues to show no interest whatsoever in communicating with me, or being near me.  She said that was a shame cause he was ok before they went on holidays.  It seems as though the terrible twos have hit – and he’s exploiting every single second of it.

He’s going to end up so spoilt.  His screaming has escalated since he got back from holidays with his parents.  He isn’t hurt, or hungry or thirsty – he’s screaming, and it really is just a scream; a fucking awful scream, cause he wants the patient to pick him up.  And sure as night follows day, that’s what happens.  He seeks out the patient and stands, screaming at his feet.  Initially the patient might say no, but guaranteed within about 20 seconds he’s given in and is bending down to pick him up cooing ‘what’s wrong sweetheart?’ at him.  He’s fucking 18 months old.  He can’t understand, let alone answer you.

More seriously though, he’s rewarding this inappropriate behaviour from the ginger.  Although he might not see it as a reward in terms of ‘here, have this for doing that well’ he’s providing positive reinforcement for the behaviour by providing a positive outcome (attention/being picked up) when the stimulus behaviour (screaming) is turned on.  I think that the Aunt has tried to get the patient to see this, but it’s not working.  They end up having a massive row over it with the patient saying ‘he’s my son, I’ll pick him up whenever I want to’.  It’s just spoiling him; and he’s starting to be a little fuckhead.

It’s basic fucking psychology.  If you reward bad behaviour it’s going to teach him that he gets what he wants when he behaves badly.  And how hard is it going to be to get him to stop when he’s 3.  It’s not going to happen.

my brother. the arsehole.

The title says it all I guess. I’m not sure there’s anything more to say, other than to give reasons for the above statement.

He’s become so hard and seems to have lost his heart. He’s being an arsehole about Christmas. We’re having a massive family Christmas this year. Everyone’s excited about it, me particularly cause it’s my first Christmas at home for a couple of years. I’m excited to get together with everyone and to give gifts and share the experience with everyone.

I’m particularly organised this year and have most of my presents mostly done already. My brother’s getting a book. The exact book that he asked for. He had asked me a couple of days ago what I wanted. Today I sent a text back to him saying that I’d like a Scotty Cameron putter cover. I told him what colour I would like, where you can get them and also how much they cost. Then I sent one saying that if it was too much hassle or if they were too expensive (around about $50 – so not really all that expensive) that he could just get me something else, something smaller. I got a reply saying ‘lets not worry about presents. Can we just buy for M & D and let secret santa (our family-wide, keep the costs down gift giving experience) take care of the rest?’. I sent a message back along the lines of ‘no, that’s not what I or my sister want to do’. It escalated from there. He doesn’t want a present and doesn’t want to give one. I’m not sure if it’s laziness or tightness. It can not, rationally, be tightness when he’s no issue with going out at the weekend and spending $500. I said that I didn’t understand, but thought that it would be difficult to understand the meaning of Christmas, and the gestures associated with gift giving and receiving, unless you’d had one or two Christmases away from the family. That has made Christmas more special to me.

His drinking is also out of control. My sister lives in Vegas, round the corner from him. She can not even get him to come and help her put together her new flatpack furniture. That’s really shit. He didn’t come over cause he was too hungover, when he got there he stayed for about 20 minutes and she said he spent the entire time on the phone. She was ultra upset cause she overheard him talking to his friends about how he’s banned from the Normanby. That isn’t the most upmarket place about, but they don’t ban you for nothing.

I would have thought the ‘getting the shit kicked out of him, arrested, charged and fined’ incident from earlier this year would have taught him a thing or two about respect and not acting up when you’re out. Obviously not.