the f word

I’m told, by my FT 60 that this is to be an easier training week.  I wasn’t really all that sure why cause last weeks’s stats were down on what I considered to be an easier week, although I have smashed my training and body in the last few weeks.  No wonder it’s telling me it’s time to dial it back.

I’m grumpy as anything today and consequently saying the f word quite a lot.  I could eat the face off anyone who annoys me.  And nearly everyone is annoying me in one way or another.  I’m just grumpy.  This girl at work is an idiot.  She’s an idiot at the best of times but today she’s being particularly annoying (perhaps I’m perceiving that she’s more annoying cause of my lowered bullshit tolerance level) today, and she’s doing it on purpose.  FARK!!  Just laziness, and immaturity – she would rather ask for help before looking herself of trying to do whatever it is that she has to do. 

She’s 16, so I guess that explains the immaturity.  She quit school and moved out of home just a few months ago.  Her father also died earlier this year, and I’m not completely compassionless to that; I’m sure that it would be one of the things that I would most struggle to deal with; but that’s no reason for her to leave school.  Her english, and spelling, is terrible.  She really should be at school still, learning to spell and speak english properly.  I cam so close to telling her that she had the english of a 10 year old when she was pronouncing badminton ‘bat-minton’.  Idiot.  She’s a classic case of an occa who needs more education.  She also needs to be corrected when she says the wrong words, like ‘how are yous’.  Yous is not a word.

Anyway, she’s annoying me today, so much so that I needed to come to the other shop to get away a bit.  I think I’m also annoyed at my own performance last night.  I drank too much and didn’t sleep at all well.  Not cool.  We spent all weekend fencing – tearing down one fence and putting up a 6 foot colourbond fence in its place.  It was hot all weekend, and save for little bits here and there we were out in the sun all weekend.  Although I didn’t really do that much work with the crowbar I still felt as though I was tired – and in need of a drink last night.  The frosty beers were good too.

smashy smash

I’m not overly sure what the hell I was thinking when I decided to do a crossfit style 300 workout today.  I must be insane.

The workout

20, 5 for time

16 laps

squats

push ups

db bent over row – 7

crunches

10 laps

db thrusters – 7

db to shoulder – 10

reverse crunches

db swings – 10

1/2 burpee

Time: 11:10 for 20; 14:30 for total

5 k cycle – level 1 – 8:48

As I said.  I’m not sure what the hell was going on in my head.  It hurt.  Like hell.  It was some form of redemption for the shit that I’ve been doing to myself since I left NI; but there’s still such a long way to go.  Thinking back, and looking at my polar stats and previous workouts on here I’m fucked.  I’ve nothing on what I had.  So much training was let go.  And now it’s going to be so much harder to get back.

26:33

378c, 12%

AHR:176

MHR: 190

I don’t know how on earth I got through it. I know when I’ve worked hard.  I literally laid on the tiles for about 5 minutes, listening to whatever was coming out of the ipod.  It was literally just on whatever it wanted to be on – I didn’t care.  I was just sorting myself out, wondering if I wanted to throw up.  Wondering if I was going to throw up.  Not wanting water, but then not being able to stop drinking it.  An hour or so later when I headed out to the range I was still feeling as though a big old rainbow yawn might be heading my way at any time.

I’m so so tired now, I just want to go to bed, although I’m afraid to go too early for fear of waking really early, again.  I’m exhausted, but there was a switch flipped at golf today…I’m now motivated.  It came back again!

Zzzzzzzz

insomnia

Golf today.  Last night was horrendus – 3.30am I was still wide awake.  I’d shifted posts, from my bed to the couch in order to create a mind numbing effect that I hoped would put me to sleep.  No such luck.  I finally drifted off to sleep at about 5am; then woke with a start, in a panic at 6.20 to my alarm.

In the back of my mind I doubted the saneness of presenting myself for golf running on about an hours sleep.  I questioned my ability to concentrate for 18 holes, particularly while carrying my clubs.  They get heavy when it’s hot.  Surprisingly it was all good.  I honestly questioned my ability to keep focus through 3 hours, or more of golf, when I was tired; or suspected that I was going to be tired.  I wasn’t tired at all really.  My average heart rate was up for the session, probably a little to do with fatigue, but other than that I thought my concentration was fine.  I was hitting my gap and 60 well, but Mr 5 Iron isn’t working so well at the moment.  May head to the driving range this afternoon to do some work on that.  Also some chipping and putting – it can always do with work.  I putted quite well today – 35 putts for the 18 so that was good.  I had 4 x 1 putts and a couple of 3s, but was happy enough.  I kissed the hole quite a bit, and nothing really wanted to drop, but I was giving it a chance at least.  There were really only two holes that I lost concentration with my putting – think the rest just came down to whether the 2nd putt dropped or not.

End of the day I came in with 77 off the stick, which was +13 for the 18 holes.  I was shocked when I realised that I’d come through the back 9 only 3 over, but that included a nice birdie on the 18th (not at the end of the day due to the shotgun start) from at 5 – 6m putt.  Nice.

3:45

1484 c, 47%

AHR: 116

MHR: 153

Something, somewhere deep down in me switched today.  It was like I had my eyes opened, or considered another possibility, analysed performance differently and suddenly was aware of this massive factor that I’ve been happily omitting from all golf analysis.  Fitness. I’m certainly not the fittest person in the world.  And I am certainly not the least fit person waddling around.  I’ve been thinking I get about alright, carrying my clubs and managing still to do ok.  While talking with the spy (so named cause I’d bet that she was one; in a recent life), discussing my round on Sunday I realised that it’s the back 9 that usually causes me grief (with the exception of today, given that it was a shotgun start).  It’s not as though I’ve been completely oblivious to the whole golf and fitness thing, I guess I just didn’t really recognise the impact on my game until I thought about it in comparison to my performance.  Looking back at my polar results from when I was playing in NI, even though I wasn’t playing as well, I don’t think that I was hitting the hump until later in the match – usually about the 17th.  Comparing that to my training later in the day (yes, this is an update of this morning’s blog) I was so much fitter back then.  I also used to carry a full set of waterproofs with me, every single match, and much more food/water than I am at the moment.  Indicative of higher fitness levels.

Went to the driving range this arvo to teach Mr 5 Iron a lesson.  Didn’t really work.  Was shagged from my mid afternoon session, and still not really sure whether I wanted to be sick or not.  My body just felt fatigued, and I had to work really hard to keep my ‘technique’ tight.  My average heart rate was also higher, despite standing there whacking it, and not carrying any clubs anywhere.

1:29:45

630 c, 44%

AHR: 120

MHR: 144

And I’ve decided I need some stats on my site.  Not from all up, from now – this time round.  Aussie golf.

the long and the short

Wow.  What a big couple of weeks.  It must have been about that long since I’ve posted.  I don’t know why, and I don’t really have a reason.  I guess laziness, perhaps tiredness, maybe just not feeling it.  Not feeling like sharing.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been up and down a bit.  I think the training has caught up.  I feel tired, constantly tired.  Like my body just needs a rest, like I need some time to unwind.  I always feel as though I could just close my eyes and go to sleep.  I wish that that would make it all go away.  I can feel it more in my demeanour than my muscles.  A frustration settles over everything and I’m less able to deal with shit.  Like if the smallest thing goes wrong, or doesn’t go the way I plan, intend or want it’s all over and I get the shits.  Not that I react, verbally or physically, but in my head it’s like everything’s about to come crashing down.  I take the hump and go quiet, or resentful.  I guess that really reflects exactly how I feel about some stuff where I’m living at the moment.  The patient like mentality is really getting me down.  At times I feel like a maid.

I’m not sure if it’s the isolation that I feel at times.  That I’m feeling a bit at the moment.  At times I long for a NI winter’s day with nothing on – a day when you can sit inside all day and eat, or sit by the fire and chill out with your friends.  I guess that is the isolation that I’m feeling coming out – right there, in that statement.  While I’m in with those I know, I’m not ‘in’, which at times makes me feel out.  I’m not right in the middle of the group, not that I need to be, but I feel at times as though I do not belong.  At times I feel unwelcome, and unwanted.  I guess it’s good that there are some holidays coming up – that I’ve some time to myself.  That’s what I’m looking forward to most about tomorrow night – coming home to an empty house.

I’ve really backed off the training this week – this twice a day thing has really taken it out of me.  So I do plan to do an easier week this week, although tomorrow will be (maybe) a run, then swim, then gym in the evening – I’m just not sure.  It honestly feels as though I need the rest at the moment.  I guess it probably is bordering on burnout – I thoroughly spanked myself over the last few weeks, burning 4500, 5000 and 3800 cal per week for the last 3.  I guess that the way to look at it was that this is my week off – but I fail to do that.

I know that my diet hasn’t been spot on, that I’ve wavered too much.  I do find it difficult being in a household where I don’t have control over what food gets cooked.  The way I’ve dealt with that in the past (the first few weeks that I was into it) was to really ‘concentrate’ during the day in lieu of being more lax at night, although I don’t know what’s happened – I’ve slipped.  I think it’s getting out of the working routine that’s put the breaks on my diet and food consumption.  I’m planning to be spot on with it while I’ve the house to myself – I guess I’ve just got to find a way to implement that to the family situation.  I do find it hard when, when asked what I want for dinner, I give the option of ‘chicken & vegies’ or ’steak & vegies’ and then get told that I’m not very imaginative.  I don’t know why that annoys me so much.  I know that it’s boring; but I also know that it’s good for me.

I’ve also been having doubts about the results that I’m seeing.  I can, or could, see changes in my face – it’s getting leaner, but the rest of my body is taking it’s sweet time in catching up.  I know that this happens to me -  that I lose it from my face, shoulders, legs and arms first.  It’s ALWAYS something that gets me.  And I believe that it’s something that really stops me from achieving my goals.  What if I just held out – if I hold out another 5 weeks, worrying only about the processes, not the results – I wonder how much difference actually would be made.  I’m also trying not to weigh – but I had to the other night for my application form – nothing.  Nil.  Nada.  Zilch.  Zero.  That’s right – flogging my guts out for 3 weeks and there was no actual change in the scale.  Yes, I may have put on muscle, and my muscles may be holding onto water – but I’ve fucking lost nothing.  I can not believe that, and it is so disheartening.  I just don’t know what to do about this.  I know stopping is not the answer; but I’m not overly sure what I’d be saying if I was my client.

Actually, I do know.  Take a body fat test I’d be saying.  I guess I should do that.  One day when I’m home alone.  Will swim tomorrow – if I can find my adidas togs, but I feel as though they’ve gone missing.  In the car maybe.  For now I need to sleep to get this emotional crap out of my system.

The trouble with love is…

That at one point or another, due to one cause or another, one leaves the relationship that has been built between two people.  It happens to the best of relationships.  Even the longest lasting, most strong relationships come crashing down when one person leaves; usually through death; but not always.  I feel that I’ve developed a few relationships while in Magheralin and then end drew up on Monday when I left for London.  This morning she asked my why I left ‘them’ anyway; them being the Northern Ireland bunch.  How do you explain the need to leave?  Or the reluctance to be thrown out?

 

I know that in the end I will be ok; but I think a little part of me will always wonder what what might have been if we had of met under different circumstances.  I will always think of her fondly; and regret the chance that I had to have her.  I have found myself thinking about what would happen if I had stayed longer – would she really have fallen for me and left Davus?!

 

Just off the phone to her there.  She has seriously considered leaving Davus for me; that’s the only thing stopping her.  She was disappointed to find that she wouldn’t be able to get a visa for Canada cause of the age thing but said that I’d have to forgo it and head straight for Australia.  I wouldn’t even think about it; merely suggest a long-ish holiday before we head home.  She said she considered how much cash she could get access to and all the things she’d need to sort out.

 

Did she feel she knows me well enough to make that sort of commitment – i.e. just to up and leave for the other side of the world with me…?  She’s not sure she knows me well enough, but she would give it a try.  I said that Nat had asked me the same thing and that I said that yes, I’d be happy to make that decision.  Oh god, why did we start talking about her leaving Davus for me.  Now that’s what I want; that’s all I can think about.  In a way it sort of gives me hope when it shouldn’t be like that.  I shouldn’t be feeling as though there is hope for me and her cause at the end of the day I strongly doubt that she’ll leave her husband.  They say the mistress never gets the man; I wonder if that rings true for the woman who’s having an affair – does she ever leave?

 

We laughed about what people would think.  Actually I said that I thought Mum would fall over if I took her home and was like ‘This is Kate.  You’ve also inherited 4 step-grandkids; but they’re still in Ireland.’  Kate said that she didn’t think that my Mum would think much of her in that case; but I would like to think that Mum would be more accepting than that.  I would like to think that all of my family would accept her and approve of our relationship.  God, this is going to fuck my head up!!

Easy Jet

Today was the final day of my life in Ireland. I miss K-C already, miss Ma, Mrs U – they’ve all come to mean so much to me I’m not sure how to cope without them being there for me. I spent the majority of the morning running about getting things organised, ready to leave. I threw a lot of stuff out and gave a lot more stuff to Kate than I had thought I would. I’ve still quite a heavy bag, but it’s not as bad as I expected. I’m going to have to lighten it if I plan to do the real backpacking thing. I still haven’t decided about that yet. They toasted me with rum before I left & everyone hugged me. Ma barely even touched me before she said ‘bye’ & was away back towards the gym. I looked about and Koff  was out the back door – I’d no idea what was going on until I looked again at Ma & realised that the tears had started. I went upstairs to get my stuff into K’s car then came back & said to her that I was going to the gym to say goodbye to Ma properly. I walked in and she shouted at me to go back to the carpark cause she was waving to me. I said ‘don’t be stupid, come here’ & hugged her. She kissed me on the cheek and started to cry again. It was a pretty sad moment…I really have got to know her very well and feel lucky to have found someone that will look after me when I’m on the other side of the world. At the airport there were no tears, we just sat and talked and had a drink. It was such a laugh. I always have such a laugh with Mrs U; and I always love spending time with K-C. When we decided I had to go I hugged Mrs U & then K-C. She kissed me on the cheek and whispered that she missed me already. I never wanted to let go of her. I wanted her to come with me. They jokingly waved tissues at me as I walked through to security, which I laughed at. Oh my god…I can not imagine never seeing her again. Feel a little sick in the stomach just thinking about it! The tears were held back until I got through security & got a phone call from her; in tears – “I’m not over you”. The 2 minutes didn’t work, not as predicted. I’m not over her either – it will take a lot more than 3 minutes. I’ve really fallen for her. I think I probably even love her. She said that the tears started as soon as she’d walked away & Mrs U turned, looked at her and said ‘you alright?’

Rules of Unattraction

The verdict is out.  He’s not leaving her.  We’re allowed to see each other.  We’re allowed to go to Dublin together. 

I say allowed like she needs his permission.  I can understand why she needs him to be ok with it; and I’m glad he trusts her enough to be alone with me; but I don’t think that she should need his permission.  At the end of the day it all comes down to trust.  I asked if he trusted her to be alone with me.  She said she didn’t trust herself to be alone with me, in my house.  Rules of Unattraction. 

This, her and I, is a somewhat destructive relationship.  Destructive cause I’m built up then shot straight back down.  It’s more in my own head.  She couldn’t work yesterday cause she was distracted.  He asked what she was thinking about and she said to me ‘I can’t text back saying I’m thinking about kissing (me)’.  Hearing that made me so hot.  Made me feel as though she was attracted to me, like I am to her.  It’s also pretty fucked up cause she’s in the middle of this shit with her husband, feeling bad for having feelings for me but then always comes back to thinking about me.  That’s the good bit.  The bad is when she goes home to him.  When she says something about him.  That’s when I take bad form.  Mrs U knows this – we discussed it after my sudden change of form at Bushmills.  I think that Mrs U knows me well enough to know when to leave me alone with my thoughts.

I’ve fallen for her.  Fallen hard.  I am so attracted to her.  The thought of us crossing the line on Monday night makes my stomach do backflips and gives me tingles in places it shouldn’t.  I can’t get her out of my head.  Can’t stop thinking about her.  How the fuck am I going to walk away from her at the airport.

I don’t know how my blog has turned to this.  I know it seems as though my life is completely consumed by her, thoughts of her and spending as much time with her as possible.  I guess in a way it has.  It feels like the start of a very special relationship that I know can not go anywhere.

Today we’re golfing at Dunmurry.  Ma, Mrs U, Ms G & I.  It is a final girls day out with the people who bullied me into playing golf.  It’s a lovely day outside.  Completely different to yesterday and I’m actually looking forward to getting out and having a walk around in the sun.  I can not wait.  Determined to be in good form and to have a day of good craic. 

I’m so glad that they bullied me into playing golf.  I only wish that I’d started earlier.  Not sure why I didn’t – and why I didn’t get out more when I first arrived.  I’ve become such great friends with Mrs U and really enjoy spending time with her.  We have such a laugh together and just click.  Even when I raced over to the dirty car on Friday night and wrote “if you think this is dirty you should see my wife” – she laughed saying she was thinking the exact same thing!  Class.

Feels so strange to be unemployed again.  Not money wise, just not having to go to work.  I am free to be alone, to be myself and to do exactly what I want.  Without any restrictions.  I love it!

Off to golf.  Glad of the sunshine and the end of winter!

The truth

So she is telling the husband about what happened between us on Monday night.  I understand why she wants to, why she has to.  She says that her conscience is killing her, and that it has to come out; but I’d really like it if she could hold off until after I left.  I’m kinda scared cause I think that he’ll tell her never to see me again, which is a very scary concept, even though I’m well aware that there’s that potential when I leave anyway.  I’m so looking forward to Dublin, he can’t take that away from me, can he?  Although I guess that I’ve, in some way, taken his wife away from him. 

While packing today I had a thought – along the lines of how am I going to survive without her.  She’s become such a good friend, someone I trust and care for.  Then Monday night makes it worse.  It was so clear she didn’t want to go home, but there was no way she could stay.  I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about it, about how close we were, about laying with her; and just being able to kiss her whenever I wanted.  I want that.  The kiss on the way out was pretty hot too!

Packing up my life is harder than I ever expected.  I knew that decision making about what to take, what to send and what to chuck wasn’t going to be that easy but I didn’t realise that it would make me think about everyone here and how much I’m going to miss them.  I can not believe that I leave in 5 days. 

I am very excited to get to both London, and Vancouver, but at the same time I don’t feel like leaving my friends.

Pond water

Yesterday was so long, such a drawn out day – finished by waiting for my creepy friends to leave the change rooms.  There is not a more appropriate way to end my final late shift here.  By the end of it I was saying yay, 8 hours left of telling the same story over and over again.  But in reality I think that that only came out cause of my tiredness. 

Yesterday I believe I said this – “Yes I’m for Vancouver. Yes I’ll travel about. No I don’t have a job. Or anywhere to live. Sure what’s the worst that can happen. Probably go to New Zealand after Canada. Then home. Hope to join the police when I’m home. Yes my Mum wants me to come home now” about a thousand times this afternoon. Yes, in nearly that exact order. And I’ve been hugged a thousand times. I asked GI Joe if I could just back away & say “I don’t want hugged”. He said that’d be rude.

So today the final day of work has come and gone.  I managed to get away with doing a whole hours’ work, none of it really all that important, none of it really all that hard.  I was collected shortly after 10, by her, for some shopping, mostly for my ABBA outfit but it turned into a couple of hours at starbucks as I wasn’t keen on going back to work.

On the way back I was told to get back into work as GI Joe thought I was ripping the piss by being away so long.  So much for that – GI Joe wasn’t pissed at all, they just wanted to know when I was back so I could be given an appropriate send off.  He told me to get into my work clothes & get back to work, but as soon as I walked out and saw the look on their heads I knew they were up to something.  Shit I thought as I launched my phone at C before being carted to the pond.  I did make a break for it but was caught by the GM & carried the rest of the way before being unceremoniously thrown into the freezing pond.  I swear I actually felt ice break around my feet, legs and arse as I hit the water.  Then I stood, pulling my shirt down, unable to breathe from the sheer cold that surrounded me.  It felt as though I was being gripped by one huge muscle spasm – it sure was a shock.  Not so much going for a swim; but for the coldness.  I knew it would be cold, but was still completely unprepared for it.  The air temperature felt quite warm after I struggled my way out of the pond.

After showering, changing & getting back down stairs I was dismissed; not before GI Joe gave a lovely little speech & a couple of cards.  I was, and still am utterly speechless at the send off gift they got for me.  I opened the card and $300 Canadian fell out, along with £20.  Such a nice gesture, and really unexpected.  I’m speechless and really don’t know what to say, or how to thank GI Joe and the GM enough – a bottle of bundy each might do nicely.

So, all in all my final day at work was about an hour long; and all I did was sign off some cleaning that I didn’t do.  Oh, and I turned the machines on. 

I really have had some great times here, and really have learnt a lot; both about myself and about the business.  I’ve learnt to be proud of the way I interact with people and that the majority of people are accepting of all sorts of personalities – that some even appreciate the upfront-straightforward-tell-it-like-it-is approach that I have.  I’ve learnt that I do know a lot and that I do have the capability to fit in with new people and to become a part of the group.  I’ve learnt that I’ve the capability to stand up for myself and to stand firm on things that I believe in.  I have learnt that I’m probably a better, and nicer person than I give myself credit for and that there are people out there who will genuienly care for me and do anything for me if I need it.  I’ve learnt that I, at times, do really like the person I’ve become.

Girly-ness

I really can not be arsed tonight. I’ve got in from work grumpy, irritable and exhausted; showered quickly and am now debating the wisdom of doning a vest for tonight’s birthday dinner, for Ms G, at the Ivory.  Somehow I think I’d be killed if I arrived in a vest, unless it was adorned with sequins or something similarly pretty & girly.  Polo shirt it is.

I’ve found a shirt that looks sufficiently girly/nice, threw some moisturiser on my face, no make up – can not be arsed, some wax in my hair and some Davidoff Cool, for women & I’m ready for the off. Is it terrible of me that I can not be arsed going to one of my friends’ birthday dinners? Or just a sign of how tired I feel today?! Not getting enough sleep; that’s all.  Aside from that I do feel quite fat at the moment.  I know that it’s booze.  I know that if I stopped drinking there wouldn’t be a pick on me; but I love it!  Not to the alcoholic point, but I love it.  I can feel it round my waist, and it feels fucking disgusting.  I’ve been thrown off my training by the sister getting up here; and by the wind down of work; but it’s no excuse.  I do not want to get fat and lazy again.  Yet even as I write this I feel as though I’m not sure if I want to go and train tonight.  How do fatties cope with the feeling of rolls around them all day?  Ugh, disgusting!

On the up-side I’ve only 16 hours left to work.  Being out, alone & unemployed in the world is a pretty scary prospect, yet again.  But I wouldn’t have signed up for the adventure if it wasn’t what I wanted to do.

It seems the seasons, they have a-changed.  Yesterday was absolutely beautiful.  The sun was out, it was mild, when I say mild I mean thermal under Ping shirt for golfing, and the world seemed so much brighter.  Today I noticed the length of the afternoons more than I have before.  Although it is only 5pm I really felt a bit weird showering and getting ready to go out when it’s still light outside.  You really have no concept of the time here, and I think it’s a lot due to the amount of light in the summer, and the darkness in winter.  Also it’s so noticable cause of the speed at which it seems to change.  Dublin I think is said to change at about 3 minutes per day.  Up here I think, heard somewhere, and probably unreliably, that it’s more like 5.  5 minutes out of a day doesn’t seem like much, but it does make a difference.

My head is filled with all sorts of randomness today. First, I believe I may be starting to miss K-C when I even think about leaving.  Second, just as I am sat here I found myself wondering if Jillian was heading to the gym tonight. I’ve spoken to her via messenger since the incident; but haven’t seen her.  Sort of wonder if we need to talk about this. The compassionate side of me; especially seeing as how she said she’s having a little trouble wrapping her head around the whole issue.  Over the last couple of days I’ve caught myself wondering if I could be with her.  I’m not sure I could, but then I really don’t know her from outside the gym setting.  Or enough to know that anyway.

After my performance on Friday night, and Mrs U & I deciding that we were getting married, I happened to mention it to Jillian; saying that I’m not really the marrying type.  It was all in fun until I began to wonder, given my track record, and my inability to be 100% sure that I won’t cheat again, am I really not the marrying type?  Do I have the ability to remain faithful?  I really like to think that I could…but I’m just not sure.  Sad, isn’t it?