A chapter closing

Today feels like the end of another chapter in my life and I’m feeling somewhat apprehensive about it all.  Moving on is harder this time.  I’ve been here longer than I’ve been anywhere before in my life, well, since I’ve been on the move anyway.  My life is about this at the moment, it’s a path that I’ve chosen, and one that I’m not overly comfortable with at the moment.  It seems that this up and down lifestyle does in fact come with some down-sides. 

 

I’ve made better friends here than I have anywhere else overseas.  I’ve got closer to some of the people here than I have for a long time.  I’ve developed some friendships that could potentially rival the one that I have with Lex.  Although I do treasure with all my heart the friendship that I have with her, these ones are completely different. 

 

Mrs U said to me a couple of weeks ago “Am I ever going to see you again.”  I’d love to be able to say yes to that, but the complete truth is that I don’t actually know.  That, in itself, is a fairly scary concept.  Even more so with K-C.  We’ve become so close so quickly it’s pretty scary.  The big pink elephant is growing more and more obvious to anyone that looks on.  At Bushmills there was a photo taken of us, doing nothing, just standing, talking.  The photo appears to be an intimate moment when we’re just there being us.  That’s a lot how I feel about her.  I feel that I’ve a connection with her, a connection that is just about unrivalled by anyone else.  The ex maybe; but that’s gone now.  She’s just a feature of my past, and although I still respect and love her; K-C has made me forget about that. 

 

For the briefest of times I’ve felt like she’s my girlfriend.  I sometimes stop and think ‘what am I doing’.  I’ve noticed that I treat her like my girlfriend.  I talk to her like she’s my girlfriend.  I like that.  It was the other day in the car I asked the simplest of questions, or we had the simplest of conversations going; but it really felt like we were partners.  I can’t even remember what it was about and I don’t know how to explain it; it just felt that way at the time.

 

I was taken aback at the kindness and authenticity of feelings towards me shown at the gym tonight.  I was talking to everyone, said the same things a thousand times over and everyone was genuinely interested.  I was just standing about, talking to Linda when Cardio Girl arrived with a gift bag.  I tried to leave the gym; didn’t really want it done there, but it got done anyway.  An Ulster Rugby top.  Such a great gift, and such an unexpected surprise.  Two minutes later Harv came into the gym and was like ‘er, there’s a delivery here’.  I walked out to find flowers, a Thornton’s chocolate cake and another gift bag. 

 

I’m genuinely surprised by the gifts that I’ve received tonight.  I’m surprised at the emotion expressed by everyone.  It seems that there’s a little sadness in everyone at the moment…wishful thinking on my part maybe, but it certainly seems that the mood in the gym was different tonight.

 

It made me think that perhaps I really have had an influence, a positive one, on people’s lives.  Even people who I didn’t really think I would have had want to know what I’m doing and want to thank me for all that I’ve done.  One lady shook my hand and decided she wanted to hug me.  I wasn’t really up for it as I don’t feel particularly close to her; but she was having none of it.  I asked GI Joe if I could just say ‘I don’t want hugged’.  He said that would be rude; and also that that was going to be happening all day.  It didn’t, but there was certainly more hugs than I ever would have expected.  I’m really humbled by all the words that have been said to and about me over the last couple of weeks.  Everyone’s all we’re-going-to-miss-you and it’s really nice.

 

On the gay side of life, K-C brought a copy of DIVA for me today & read it before she managed to get it to the gym.  I was shocked by a text from her saying ‘I’ve to stop reading diva…making me think bad thoughts.’  In typical jovial fashion I replied with ‘are you reading about strap ons?’ but got one back saying ‘not reading.  Just flicking…pictures of girls kissing makes me want to.’  What do you say to that.  Despite the marriage & 4 kids I think there’s a lot of gay in her.  I do, at times, think that if the situation was different she’d be a lesbian.  I see a lot of qualities in her that makes me think that; not that I’m stereotyping, but she sets my gay-dar buzzing!  We’d an afternoon of ‘Martina Navratilova is my here…’, ‘another one I like…Ellen.  Am I gay?’ messages.  How does one respond to that?  Other than ‘sounds like it!’

 

Next week will be full of craic.  Wednesday is a day with the girls.  Belfast drinking probably.  There’s been some mention of Port Rush, but I’m not sure if that will happen.  Handy Andy wants to meet us in Belfast for a ‘get the load on’ session that night, but I’m not sure that’s the smartest thing to do considering Thursday is my day of love with K-C.  I do not want a hangover for that.  It’s not actually a day of love, but spending the day with her gives me warm fuzzies.  I’m such a girl at times.  Wednesday might have to be a scotch and soda day!

 

I’m pretty screwed for this ABBA party on Saturday.  K-C is chauffeuring me to party/dress up shops tomorrow in search of the perfect uniform; and I suspect a little in an effort to see my legs sticking out the bottom of a skirt…

Reassment 1.0 – Mountain of Lard

So, the week has come.  Time to look back and assess my progress so far – assess my dedication, commitment, persistence & effort in the pursuit of perfection.

 

My weight’s gone up.  I feel shit about it.  Feel like I’ve completely failed in what I’ve done.  The hard work that I’ve been putting in over the last few days has gone to waste.  Not happy at all.  I feel shit, more about myself and letting myself down.  I know that I’m putting in the effort with training – I train daily.  Vary the routine.  Progressively overload.  Put 100% into each and every session.  Why can’t I control the diet better.  Obviously the weight has gone up – maybe it’s not all bad.  I’ve been heavy on weights this week – and have had more carbs to go along with that.  Also I feel that I’m getting fitter – maybe my muscles are holding onto more water.  But I don’t think that they’re really the causes.  Just the sugar coated version of me fucking up this week.  Definitely have let slip a little with the diet – becoming too relaxed, too complacent, too happy with my progress so far.

 

Things have fallen apart over the last couple of days.  The wheels really have fallen off the cart.  I’m not doing the right things with my diet – it’s gone to pot.  Training has been good, but I’m going backwards, partially due to the Friday blow out; but also cause I’ve been inconsistent in eating the right foods. 

 

Fuck ups:

1. Too much shit

2. Inconsistency with supplements

3. Not enough sleep

4. Snacking on the wrong stuff – letting bad snacks creep in.

5. Lunches – not eating salads enough

6. Not consistent with timing of foods

 

Fixes:

1. Stop eating crap – simple

2. Take supplements consistently – take them every day, consistently

3. Go to bed earlier – sleep better

4. Concentrate on healthy snacks – control what I’m putting into fat head

5. Preparation of lunches, snacks before work – have it all sitting there – ready to go.

6. Take and eat foods that I can manage between clients – quick but good snack foods

 

Deamons of my existence

The deamons are back. My self doubt. My questions. Well, the time has come. Time to embrace the fear, embrace the pain, embrace the deamons that are breaking my heart. It’s the deamons that push me further. They drive me to work harder. They drive me to find that something special. Something extra. More than I thought I had to give. Finding and facing my fear, inadequacies & terror at being anything less than perfect is the only way to achieve perfection in all that I do, and all that I am.

Nothing is ever enough. Nothing is success. I must find failure in everything that I’ve done. There is always something more that can be achieved. Always something, always another percent to give. Find the 1 % that can be improved. Find space for improvement. Find limitations. Challenge myself to find areas to improve. Discover weakness. Embrace the challenge of improvement, punishment & dedication. It’s only through finding errors, misjudgements or 1% mis-execution of my plan that I can grow and improve on my previous internalised limitations. Demand perfection. Demand absolute intensity. Demand committment to my workouts. Demand a steadfast committment to succeed. Demand a workout packed with intensity and a determination to do things right. Packed with passion, drive and a fierce determination to get it 100% right 100% of the time. Demand 100% in consistency in executing my plan – my program for improvement.

I will have a plan in place, a plan that I stick to every day. A plan of rigorous, unforgiving training that drives me towards where I want to be. Planning can also overcome injury, overtraining and plateaus. All have plagued a constant hinderance on my success in achieving the body, self, life that I want. That I need.

The plan is unbreakable. Adjustment is acceptable. Failure is not. Failure is not an option. Determination to succeed. Determination to achieve perfection. From every workout, from every day, from every week. Nothing is more important. Nothing comes first. The workout – the scheduled workout is my only priority for the day. It is all that I strive for. To complete and to have given 100%.

Complacency

Satisfaction leads to complacency. It’s the first time I’ve really felt this way…felt that I was on the right track & that it would be ok just to go easy in a session. Not miss a session, just to go easy. I pushed through. I have to push through. I have identified a part that I thought was going to be a problem, I’ve reached it and I’m now going to push through it. I didn’t go easy, for that I’m stoked, although I do feel a little weary with my current routine. Time to change it up!

Modern man is conditioned to expect instant gratification but any success or triumph realized quickly, with only marginal effort is necessarily shallow. Meaningful achievement takes time, hard work, persistence, patience, proper intent and constant self-awareness. The path to such success is punctuated by failure, consolidation and renewed effort. It is wet with the tears of emotional breakdown. Personal reconstruction is art. Discovering one’s self, one’s talent and ambition and learning how to express it is a creative process so may not be rushed.

Patience, persistance, dedication, intensity & committment – all in pursuit of my ultimate goal.
Abs like these!

Raise the bar

Raising the bar this week. Only two weeks till the Big M arrives…and I want to look smashing. Key, for me here, is consistency in diet. Consistency in training and consistency in effort.

Rules to live by

Everyday eat, sleep, drink, rest and train according to what your body needs
Train for the shortest time possible whilst still achieving your training goal
Find people to play with
Try something new each year
Do things that harm you less, do things that help you more
Make a contribution
Be honest with yourself, your training goals and your performance
Do something everyday that makes you puff and sweat
Look after your family and include them in your training
Never do the same session twice in one week
Regularly do things that make you nervous
Find heavy things and lift them
Above all else, keep moving, and keep trying

(’stolen’ from crossfit, Brisbane)

Attitude is everything!!

Head Down

A weekend away just gone – I headed out to Sligo & Bundoran with Kris and her friends. It was a good weekend, although there was no surfing for me – way too cold! Stayed in the 5 star Raddison hotel in Sligo which was great. Ate till my heart was content, although I’m not worried that I’ve undone all the hard work from last week – terrible move. But something I have to move on from…deal with it and move on.Rested, rejuvenated and ready for more training.

This week I want to train every day until Saturday. Last week I only trained 4 times, although all training was very intense. Friday off was attributable to both soreness in legs and tiredness on Friday. Tiredness is easy to fix – get more sleep. Soreness may be just as easy to fix, although a little more delicate. I just need to tweak the training a little. Pretty sure the loaded eccentric contractions of the lunges was what did it to me. It’s easy to say go easier on them next week, but I don’t want to lose any of the intensity. I need to keep the intensity there – intensity produces results!

Another thing I want to try to do is spend some weekends or days away climbing hills and the like. I think that that is something that I will really enjoy, and it’s something that’s so accessible for me at the moment. Here in Northern Ireland there is so much choice. I think Morne Mountains in Co. Down might be my first outing, and I can’t wait! I can’t wait for coming back from a hard hill walk/run, driving home on a Sunday arvo with the knowledge that I’ve driven myself forward.

 

 

“Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious.” 

 

“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value.” Thomas Paine

Attitude

“Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious.”Attitude is everything…

Forget safety. – to me means chase what requires risk. The risk of pain, the risk of falling, the risk involved in everything that means anything.

Live where you fear to live. – always chase the unknown. Do things that scare you a little. Do things that challenge your boundaries, your comfort zones.

Destroy your reputation. Be notorious. – I need to develop myself a reputation as a hard trainer, and a hard trainee. I am forming for myself a reputation as a formidable circuit instructor, each week I need to destroy that, in terms of attaining a higher level – perfection in form, in effort and in intensity. The same applies to my training. Anyone that sees me train; and everyone sees me train should want to be what I am, what I put in and the aim to drive themselves as much as I do. I need this to establish myself as someone who knows what they are doing…someone who understands the mechanisms of training; someone who is willing to push themselves through what others go through. Be notorious for attaining results. Results for myself, results for others, results that G.I. Joe can only dream about.

This is what training means for me. This is what I am driving towards. This is why I get up each morning, this is why I train my arse off at every opportunity. My belief in the components of my philosophy is why I have to train my arse. This will be combined with the following to make me the ultimate me…the ultimate trainer, the ultimate trainee and the ultimate athlete.

I am going to train rigorously and unforgivingly. To push myself to the limits, to find my maximum and to beat my best. To ensure I can compete, at the end of the day when it’s all about me.

Motivation, drive and determination.

More on motivation, drive, determination and a need to succeed. Something I wrote about 8 months ago…when I was ready, prepared and completely willing to train my legs off. I am going to train rigorously and unforgivingly. to push myself to the limits, to find my maximum and to beat my best. to ensure i can compete, at the end of the day when it’s all about me.

Monday 25th February…
I feel stoked about this. Well up for the challenge, and what a challenge it will be. Over the last few weeks I’ve been doing a lot more running, running intervals; basically running my legs off. My shins are starting to hurt. I need to pull back on the sheer volume – I have to run over ever second day – that is it. Do not overdo it. Even this morning…with a sore shin, I can’t think of doing anything else in the gym but running. I guess I just find it the easiest way to really train intensely. Running intervals pushes my heart rate through the sky – I love it

Initial Goals
Weight Loss – 65kg by december 2008
Body Fat Reduction – into size 14 ‘NEXT’ jeans
Fitness – Run 5km by June and 10k by December 2008
Core – Squat on fitball, without help getting up.

Motivation
I feel fat
I hate the way I look
I hate the feeling of rolls around my body when I lay in bed at night
I hate that I can’t fit into jeans – I can’t find any that fir me
I feel disgusted at myself…

Yesterday’s workout …

15 mins running – 45sec on (12), 15 sec rest.
10 min hill (8%,30sec 8.5k/30s 5.7k).
Superset 3 x 12 DB Bench (12/14, 12/14, 12) @ 10) / DB Shoulder Press (4kg) – Row 1min (246m).
2 x 5 FB Push up, 2 x12 Supraspinatus Raise (3kg), Row 1min(263m).
1 x FB Prone, 2 x Lower Trap Raise (3kg).
5 min hill walk

01:09:06
793cal 30% fat
MHR 106%
AHR 81%
36:36 in HIGH HR Zone

Emphasisis on Intensity, Consistency, Persistance & Dedication is of unmeasurable importance. It is vital to the success of the program. It is vital to my personal success. Without these four key concepts I will not achieve the results I want, or need.

What you know does not matter – what you do matters.

FRESH!!

This is the time. Right now!

I’ve begun this so many times, and so many times the battle has been lost. All my motivation, determination & efforts have continually been thrown away. I’ve decided that now, February 2008 has to be the time. And so far I’m on track.

Update since last July. Basically all went well for 3 months, then I decided I’d had enough. I packed in my job (my great job which I miss a lot sometimes) and left for the other side of the pond, again. In some sense back to where it all began. Northern Ireland this time though.

I put on all the weight I lost in Middlemount. I reverted back to a (huge) shadow of myself. A huge lump who’s easily fatigued, pale and pudgy. I hate being this way.

Why is this time different? Maybe I want it more. Maybe it will be easier as my social life isn’t as huge, although there are always ‘Pretty Mary’s nights’ to consider. I’m determined to make it right this time.

Training
My workouts will always vary. They will always require all that I can give and they will always demand my complete dedication. They will be based around a number of different training methods, from traditional set/rep ranges to alternative cardio and the odd ’smashy smashy’ session.

[20 August 207 - Post 'crossfit' workout thoughts.] I remember a certain workout last year. Based around crossfit this workout had me beat. I completed. It was something mental like 5 rounds for time of 10 x o’head b’bell squats, mb throws, jumping pull ups, burpees, turkish get ups. I completed in 00:24:32. I was completely exhausted. I lay on the rough, dirty, sweat stained indoor cricket carpet willing myself to move, but unable to summon the energy to even contemplate rising. I was like this for 10 minutes. Someone came to check on me. I could barely speak. I was exhausted – physically, mentally, emotionally. The thought of riding my bike 1k back to camp and to a hot shower was almost too much to stand. I lay, I finally recovered, and then I loved it. I loved every second of it!

As much as it hurt at the time, as much as it left me completely broken – I loved it. Completing it made me so proud. I want to get back to there. I am going to get back to there!

I will post often and honestly.
I will always push myself to run further, push harder, lift more and perform better.

I will ensure that I am completely responsible for my actions – get smashed on Friday nights, train hungover on Saturday mornings. There is no option here.
I will surrender everything to the program, every training session.
I will leave nothing in the gym/on the park or in my body.
I will prove that my program WORKS
I will prove that Australians train harder.
I will never give in, soft out or take the easy route.
I will give 100% regardless of circumstance, timing, pressure or deflation.

Why not 110 or 120%? You can only ever give 100%. If you feel as though you can give more, you haven’t given enough. You can only ever give 100% – that’s all you have to give, but in order to give this you have to give yourself. Surrender to the program – stand up to the challenges, look them in the eye and then give it lip!

Motivation
1. I feel and look horrible
2. I am an Exercise Physiologist for fucks sake! How can I possibly encourage people to achieve their goals when I have so many that are outstanding…long overdue? The best education one can provide is inspiration. Lead by example and you will have committment and the committed.

A lot of the reason I’m doing this is to prove to myself that I can do it. I have so little doubt that I can. I need to stay injury free, stay on top of sleep and to push myself harder than I ever have.

My Training Philosophy
If the day’s workout prescribes hard work (as opposed to recovery or “conversational” intensity) and you can read a magazine, or talk, or take a sip of your favourite sports drink, or recognize it’s your phone that’s ringing, or if you’re not feeling dizzy, then you are not working hard. Avoiding hard work isn’t wrong but it should not be confused with embracing effort, mouth wide open and giving it a bit of tongue … Gym Jones