the long and the short

Wow.  What a big couple of weeks.  It must have been about that long since I’ve posted.  I don’t know why, and I don’t really have a reason.  I guess laziness, perhaps tiredness, maybe just not feeling it.  Not feeling like sharing.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been up and down a bit.  I think the training has caught up.  I feel tired, constantly tired.  Like my body just needs a rest, like I need some time to unwind.  I always feel as though I could just close my eyes and go to sleep.  I wish that that would make it all go away.  I can feel it more in my demeanour than my muscles.  A frustration settles over everything and I’m less able to deal with shit.  Like if the smallest thing goes wrong, or doesn’t go the way I plan, intend or want it’s all over and I get the shits.  Not that I react, verbally or physically, but in my head it’s like everything’s about to come crashing down.  I take the hump and go quiet, or resentful.  I guess that really reflects exactly how I feel about some stuff where I’m living at the moment.  The patient like mentality is really getting me down.  At times I feel like a maid.

I’m not sure if it’s the isolation that I feel at times.  That I’m feeling a bit at the moment.  At times I long for a NI winter’s day with nothing on – a day when you can sit inside all day and eat, or sit by the fire and chill out with your friends.  I guess that is the isolation that I’m feeling coming out – right there, in that statement.  While I’m in with those I know, I’m not ‘in’, which at times makes me feel out.  I’m not right in the middle of the group, not that I need to be, but I feel at times as though I do not belong.  At times I feel unwelcome, and unwanted.  I guess it’s good that there are some holidays coming up – that I’ve some time to myself.  That’s what I’m looking forward to most about tomorrow night – coming home to an empty house.

I’ve really backed off the training this week – this twice a day thing has really taken it out of me.  So I do plan to do an easier week this week, although tomorrow will be (maybe) a run, then swim, then gym in the evening – I’m just not sure.  It honestly feels as though I need the rest at the moment.  I guess it probably is bordering on burnout – I thoroughly spanked myself over the last few weeks, burning 4500, 5000 and 3800 cal per week for the last 3.  I guess that the way to look at it was that this is my week off – but I fail to do that.

I know that my diet hasn’t been spot on, that I’ve wavered too much.  I do find it difficult being in a household where I don’t have control over what food gets cooked.  The way I’ve dealt with that in the past (the first few weeks that I was into it) was to really ‘concentrate’ during the day in lieu of being more lax at night, although I don’t know what’s happened – I’ve slipped.  I think it’s getting out of the working routine that’s put the breaks on my diet and food consumption.  I’m planning to be spot on with it while I’ve the house to myself – I guess I’ve just got to find a way to implement that to the family situation.  I do find it hard when, when asked what I want for dinner, I give the option of ‘chicken & vegies’ or ’steak & vegies’ and then get told that I’m not very imaginative.  I don’t know why that annoys me so much.  I know that it’s boring; but I also know that it’s good for me.

I’ve also been having doubts about the results that I’m seeing.  I can, or could, see changes in my face – it’s getting leaner, but the rest of my body is taking it’s sweet time in catching up.  I know that this happens to me -  that I lose it from my face, shoulders, legs and arms first.  It’s ALWAYS something that gets me.  And I believe that it’s something that really stops me from achieving my goals.  What if I just held out – if I hold out another 5 weeks, worrying only about the processes, not the results – I wonder how much difference actually would be made.  I’m also trying not to weigh – but I had to the other night for my application form – nothing.  Nil.  Nada.  Zilch.  Zero.  That’s right – flogging my guts out for 3 weeks and there was no actual change in the scale.  Yes, I may have put on muscle, and my muscles may be holding onto water – but I’ve fucking lost nothing.  I can not believe that, and it is so disheartening.  I just don’t know what to do about this.  I know stopping is not the answer; but I’m not overly sure what I’d be saying if I was my client.

Actually, I do know.  Take a body fat test I’d be saying.  I guess I should do that.  One day when I’m home alone.  Will swim tomorrow – if I can find my adidas togs, but I feel as though they’ve gone missing.  In the car maybe.  For now I need to sleep to get this emotional crap out of my system.

without

So today at the pool was fecking awful.  That’s the only way it can be described.  Did my 1k (in 27:30), 100m with the kick board and then got the hell out of there.  I was just fatigued.  Although I’m not sure it actually was fatigue, or soreness from the weights session that I did – more just that the thrashing about was much harder.  Had a tendonitis click going on in my left shoulder which was while not actually hurting, uncomfortable and distracting.  It was more that I was noticing it there, not that it was sore.  Pain in the arse more than anything.  It wasn’t at all that I was without motivation today – it was a physical thing.  In a way I see this swim session as a good thing.  After the first 200 I seriously would have considered packing up and going home – if it weren’t for determination to do the 1k – at a minimum.  I made sure I was in there for at least 30 minutes.  A bit of a win for me, over the pool, today.  Sometimes it’s just hard.

30:00

340cal,  25%

AHR: 151

MHR: 177

Work was shit!  At some times I really, really, hate my life.  It’s like I’m just showing up and spending time there.  The fucking stock is all over the fucking place.  I had to count the bloody singlets about 15 times today as things weren’t included in the snapshot when they should have been and were when they shouldn’t have been.  I finally said that I wasn’t doing it anymore and headed off to harass customers.  I was helping a guy with shoes at the end of the day – he had a sore ankle for which he wanted plenty of cushioning.  After talking a little bit, it seems that he had Plantar Fasciitis, or so I thought.  He was surprised that I knew what was going on.  I think I also surprised myself.  Surprised at the amount of knowledge that I have, that I can talk to people about and the help that could have come from me sorting out what his issue was.  I also briefly considered whether infact I should go into physiotherapy, and briefly considered looking up to see the requirements for an Ex. Phys. to do Phty at uni.  But then I want to be a cop.  That’s all I want.

After work I realised I’d forgotten the ipod (essential for gym cardio, or any cardio really) so headed home.  Did some stuff on the treadmill to make up for the lack of swimming/gym cardio today.  I did run intervals and was happy with how they went.  I didn’t think that I’d got to the point where they weren’t an absolute bitch to get done – I guess I was wrong.  Although I worked hard, I wasn’t anywhere near maximum, and felt stronger than I have previously.

20 mins run intervals, 3 minutes stretching.
30:30 -  all at 4%

3 mins 10

5 mins 10.5
5 mins 11
5 mins 11.5
2 mins 11

20:00

230 cal, 17%

AHR: 164

MHR: 186

Not 100% accurate as HRM wasn’t working the whole time I don’t think…  It was fucking pissing me off, perhaps escalated by tiredness, but I felt some of the gear rage coming back.  Bastard.  Anyway, it was s pretty good session, even if the HRM fucked up.  I also iced afterwards, which I need to start doing more often (and am going to start doing, nightly).

I’m not nearly as sore as I expected to be from the weights session that I did the other day.  Perhaps the huge walk with golf helped that, perhaps also wearing skins while I was running tonight helped.  I think that that might be a good way to take some of the DOMs away from my future legs sessions – stretching, rest and then some form of activity (preferably walking/golf) later in the day.  Seems to have worked this time round.

More one glove tan tomorrow, along with a bit of training.  Short game work.

crossroads

Last night was shocking.  I was in bed for 10 – fatigued and ready for sleep, but it didn’t come.  I’d close my eyes but my mind wouldn’t switch off.  As a result, very very tired this morning.  My eyes have been stinging since I woke up, on about 4 hours sleep, to squealing.  Not a pleasant start to the day.  On top of the lack of sleep tiredness, my body feels fatigued.  It’s like I can’t muster the energy to do anything at the moment.  I just want to sleep. One of the girls at work today said that I was quiet, and had been all day.  I was.  I said it was just down to tiredness, which I honestly think that it is.

My the SLDL from the other day has caught up with my hamstrings and they’re tight, although not nearly so bad as they were this morning, before the swim, and before wearing my skins about for the afternoon.  I wonder if a full length pair might be in order.  I really think that wearing them helps, even wearing the quad length ones.  The only issue that I have is that to get the compression I need for my legs, I need to go small around the waist.  I’m in a YXL at the moment, even though it’s pretty tight around my waist.  I think that they’re getting looser though, that I am losing a bit of fat; but it’s always hard to tell with something so tight, and stretchy.  Would like to try a shirt, but don’t know.  We’ll see.  Am definitely going to get, maybe two more pairs in the staff order, when they’re about 40% off (I think) but not sure about a shirt yet.  I guess it would help with the weights, and for that reason I would probably have to look at a full length one – would also be good for golf.

On the topic of gear, I’ve found the sexiest watch ever!!  It’s a polar RS300X – orange.  Every time I go into the fitness area, I put it on.  I wear it well, and I think it looks great on my wrist.  It’s just that I really don’t need two heart rate monitors.  I’ve already a FT60, and love it, but I really like the look of the other one.

Swim was ok.  I wasn’t feeling great before I even went.  Had it in my head that I wasn’t going to swim well, or that it was going to be a whole lot more difficult to do what I’ve done on the other days before I even set out.  To my surprise and delight, I managed to beat yesterdays for both the k and 30 minute mark.  Pretty happy.

the lesbian and the kids

Today wasn’t nearly so bad. The ginger was a bit grizzly, but nothing as bad as I’ve seen him in the past.  Bloody horrible would be the only way to describe it, and he certainly wasn’t that.

Training this morning was good.  Consisted of an hour in the pool.  Not a bad effort.  Managed to get a bit of a lie in before having breakfast, making lunch and washing up.  The usual routine.  I wasn’t feeling overly tired this morning, just had enough sleep that I woke up when I was ready, although I did hear the first couple of squeaks from the other side of the wall.

Swam for an hour – my usual 100m on 3 minutes was completely blown out of the water, and I rolled 1k in about 25 and a half.  Was pretty impressed, and just managed to squeeze out another 200m before I hit 30.  Definite improvement.  I’m not actually swimming faster, just having less rest, and continually doing more work in the same amount of time – result!!

A couple of the guys at work asked me why I wasn’t aiming to swim a certain number of laps each time I went – and I think today proved that point.  When I set out, I had no idea that I wanted to swim for so long, or that I wanted to swim 2k in total.  I just felt in the groove, so I kept on going.  I think that that’s how it has to be with my training.  I also think that that approach works for me cause I’m not the type to give in.  I like to give training a bit of lip, and to keep going when times get tough.  I like to beat what I did previously.  Set out to improve each and every session.  I know that at some point that’s not going to be possible, but it’s something that drives me to keep working, to keep getting better.  Think my AHR was also a bit higher this time round – makes sense really.

1 hour

768c, 17%

AHR: 165

MHR: 185

Work wasn’t so bad.  Just bloody counting, counting and more counting.  Went quick enough, but every two hours I was looking round for something to eat.  Was all good though, and well within the diet.  Just sitting here and I’m actually thirsty.  The lesbian and the kids were in today.  Someone I potentially would have hooked up with once, I was just standing, overhearing their conversation thinking that I was a bit weirded out by her child (perhaps only 6 months old) not wanting ‘boob’ anymore.  That, or perhaps the image of being with someone who’s breastfeeding (and said breastfeeding’s implications on fucking) was making me crazy.  As much as I love boobs, I’m not into that at all.

Gym session after work, even though my eyes were well tired.  Went and did my strength work.  I still don’t feel that I’m pushing as hard as I can with the weights at the moment.  Think I’m still in a bit of an adjustment phase being in a new gym and all.  It’s like they’ve tried to cram too much shit in the space and it feels cramped, and you have to negotiate your way around pieces of fluffy equipment to get to the good, and worthwhile stuff – like the single power cage they have in there.

40:10

405c, 30%

AHR: 143

MHR: 166

For the moment I’m concentrating on big exercises – nothing isolation.  I’m doing at least one powerlifting move per workout, although not heavy.  I’m going to have to write myself a program and get into the routine of lifting heavy again.  Shit.  Bring on the mental strength.  The scales were mighty tempting tonight, but I wasn’t really wanting to see what’s going on there.  I feel as though the weight isn’t shifting, although I know I’m getting leaner around my head.  Sounds stupid; but I am seeing weight loss from my face.  Perhaps it’s the little bit of a tan that I’ve going on now.

Done.  Absolutely done.

faster, harder, stronger

Although today isn’t quite so bad as yesterday, my mood isn’t all that spectacular.  Thankfully I’ve been left alone here in the other shop, free to do whatever I please.

Swimming was ok today.  Had it in my mind to do more than I have done on the other occasions I’ve been swimming.  I did the first k as per normal, 100m then leave again on the 3 minute mark, however this time I was ahead from the outset – I touched out for the k at about 27 minutes.  3 minutes early for the k.  Happy days!  I went ahead and carried on, getting 22 laps (50m) in in 30 minutes.  All up I did about 30 laps which wasn’t too bad.  The last 10 came in 10 minutes, doing breath control and lung capacity stuff.  My average heart rate was up on yesterday, which was pleasing – obviously I worked harder.  More calories showed too.

44:16

555cal, 18% fat

AHR:164, MHR: 182

Arrived at work to a delicious salad & banana.  Left immediately cause they were talking crap.  It’s like they’ve nothing but immaturity to go on with.  I’d much rather sit up here with T-ville Boy, but I know that I can’t.  Only 3 hrs and 45 mintues to go.  Then I’m free for the weekend.

Grumpy Chops

The well worn path of beginning is looking oh so familiar again.  Normally I get into this, this far then further, then sometimes further still but ultimately it ends in the same result.

I’m really enjoying the exercise, the feeling of being tired, the muscular pain and pushing is something that tells me that I’m doing well, and doing the right thing.  Today was a relatively easy day – swimming just.  I felt tired on the way to the pool.  Swam well, probably better than I have before, held 10 x 100 @ 3 minutes fairly well, then did some breath and lung volume work.  I did try doing some longer stuff, but really really suffer towards the last 25m.

I arrived to work in a rather unpleasent mood.  I’m not really sure what was up, but from the outset I could tell that it wasn’t going to be a great day.  I’ve days when I’ve no patience whatsoever.  Nothing is right, and nothing goes the way I want it to go.  I say fuck a lot these days.  I was also really hungry today.  Perhaps the long-ness of the day, woken at 6.30 by the ginger squealing, to finishing work at 9pm.  Not short.

I ate good today, and I think I’ve the during the day stuff sorted out, it’s the night time meals that will kill me.  How do I say to the hosts that I don’t want to eat carbs for dinner, or fatty snags.  That good old chicken & vege will do me.

While doing not much at work I discovered a blog that looks interesting…  Caroline Koll.  Will have to look in more detail, but it looks interesting enough.  She’s an ironman triathlete so it will be interesting to have a ‘flick’ through to see what she’s got to say for herself.

Oh how I hate swimming

The other day, in what can only be described as a brain explosion, I headed into work early, purchased a pair of shiny new goggles and some fandangled cut off flippers (aka training fins) and decided to swim.  Oh what a decision.

I remembered how much I actually hate swimming.  I hate it for a number of reasons.

1. It’s in water.  We were given feet, and not a fin, for a perfectly good reason.

2. There is always children about.  Where there’s water, there’s children.  And I don’t like children much.

3. It’s hard.  Freaking hard.

So I’ve been a few times now.  Four to be exact.  Not a bad effort, but still the fins are registering at 10 each on the amount paid/times used equation that I have and use for virtually every piece of sports equipment I have.  The goggles, not so much, they come in at 7.5.  I guess the theory behind that is that if I can get it down to 1 then I’ve done a good job at using it enough – and that it was a valuable purchase for me.

In all honesty I don’t actually swim.  It’s more thrashing about, lolling up and back and flailing.  The lolling isn’t intentional – I do try, I just find that it’s something that knackers me relatively quickly.  That’s such a good thing at the same time, mostly cause I’ll try to work hard and try to keep going for the whole time.  I try to keep my heart rate up for the entire time, and at the moment it’s working.

After a couple of weeks of going, I realised that it’s not all so bad.  There are some good things about swimming.

1. It’s hard.  Freaking hard.  I have to work harder cause I literally just thrash about.

2. It’s an escape.