Rules of Unattraction

The verdict is out.  He’s not leaving her.  We’re allowed to see each other.  We’re allowed to go to Dublin together. 

I say allowed like she needs his permission.  I can understand why she needs him to be ok with it; and I’m glad he trusts her enough to be alone with me; but I don’t think that she should need his permission.  At the end of the day it all comes down to trust.  I asked if he trusted her to be alone with me.  She said she didn’t trust herself to be alone with me, in my house.  Rules of Unattraction. 

This, her and I, is a somewhat destructive relationship.  Destructive cause I’m built up then shot straight back down.  It’s more in my own head.  She couldn’t work yesterday cause she was distracted.  He asked what she was thinking about and she said to me ‘I can’t text back saying I’m thinking about kissing (me)’.  Hearing that made me so hot.  Made me feel as though she was attracted to me, like I am to her.  It’s also pretty fucked up cause she’s in the middle of this shit with her husband, feeling bad for having feelings for me but then always comes back to thinking about me.  That’s the good bit.  The bad is when she goes home to him.  When she says something about him.  That’s when I take bad form.  Mrs U knows this – we discussed it after my sudden change of form at Bushmills.  I think that Mrs U knows me well enough to know when to leave me alone with my thoughts.

I’ve fallen for her.  Fallen hard.  I am so attracted to her.  The thought of us crossing the line on Monday night makes my stomach do backflips and gives me tingles in places it shouldn’t.  I can’t get her out of my head.  Can’t stop thinking about her.  How the fuck am I going to walk away from her at the airport.

I don’t know how my blog has turned to this.  I know it seems as though my life is completely consumed by her, thoughts of her and spending as much time with her as possible.  I guess in a way it has.  It feels like the start of a very special relationship that I know can not go anywhere.

Today we’re golfing at Dunmurry.  Ma, Mrs U, Ms G & I.  It is a final girls day out with the people who bullied me into playing golf.  It’s a lovely day outside.  Completely different to yesterday and I’m actually looking forward to getting out and having a walk around in the sun.  I can not wait.  Determined to be in good form and to have a day of good craic. 

I’m so glad that they bullied me into playing golf.  I only wish that I’d started earlier.  Not sure why I didn’t – and why I didn’t get out more when I first arrived.  I’ve become such great friends with Mrs U and really enjoy spending time with her.  We have such a laugh together and just click.  Even when I raced over to the dirty car on Friday night and wrote “if you think this is dirty you should see my wife” – she laughed saying she was thinking the exact same thing!  Class.

Feels so strange to be unemployed again.  Not money wise, just not having to go to work.  I am free to be alone, to be myself and to do exactly what I want.  Without any restrictions.  I love it!

Off to golf.  Glad of the sunshine and the end of winter!

Pond water

Yesterday was so long, such a drawn out day – finished by waiting for my creepy friends to leave the change rooms.  There is not a more appropriate way to end my final late shift here.  By the end of it I was saying yay, 8 hours left of telling the same story over and over again.  But in reality I think that that only came out cause of my tiredness. 

Yesterday I believe I said this – “Yes I’m for Vancouver. Yes I’ll travel about. No I don’t have a job. Or anywhere to live. Sure what’s the worst that can happen. Probably go to New Zealand after Canada. Then home. Hope to join the police when I’m home. Yes my Mum wants me to come home now” about a thousand times this afternoon. Yes, in nearly that exact order. And I’ve been hugged a thousand times. I asked GI Joe if I could just back away & say “I don’t want hugged”. He said that’d be rude.

So today the final day of work has come and gone.  I managed to get away with doing a whole hours’ work, none of it really all that important, none of it really all that hard.  I was collected shortly after 10, by her, for some shopping, mostly for my ABBA outfit but it turned into a couple of hours at starbucks as I wasn’t keen on going back to work.

On the way back I was told to get back into work as GI Joe thought I was ripping the piss by being away so long.  So much for that – GI Joe wasn’t pissed at all, they just wanted to know when I was back so I could be given an appropriate send off.  He told me to get into my work clothes & get back to work, but as soon as I walked out and saw the look on their heads I knew they were up to something.  Shit I thought as I launched my phone at C before being carted to the pond.  I did make a break for it but was caught by the GM & carried the rest of the way before being unceremoniously thrown into the freezing pond.  I swear I actually felt ice break around my feet, legs and arse as I hit the water.  Then I stood, pulling my shirt down, unable to breathe from the sheer cold that surrounded me.  It felt as though I was being gripped by one huge muscle spasm – it sure was a shock.  Not so much going for a swim; but for the coldness.  I knew it would be cold, but was still completely unprepared for it.  The air temperature felt quite warm after I struggled my way out of the pond.

After showering, changing & getting back down stairs I was dismissed; not before GI Joe gave a lovely little speech & a couple of cards.  I was, and still am utterly speechless at the send off gift they got for me.  I opened the card and $300 Canadian fell out, along with £20.  Such a nice gesture, and really unexpected.  I’m speechless and really don’t know what to say, or how to thank GI Joe and the GM enough – a bottle of bundy each might do nicely.

So, all in all my final day at work was about an hour long; and all I did was sign off some cleaning that I didn’t do.  Oh, and I turned the machines on. 

I really have had some great times here, and really have learnt a lot; both about myself and about the business.  I’ve learnt to be proud of the way I interact with people and that the majority of people are accepting of all sorts of personalities – that some even appreciate the upfront-straightforward-tell-it-like-it-is approach that I have.  I’ve learnt that I do know a lot and that I do have the capability to fit in with new people and to become a part of the group.  I’ve learnt that I’ve the capability to stand up for myself and to stand firm on things that I believe in.  I have learnt that I’m probably a better, and nicer person than I give myself credit for and that there are people out there who will genuienly care for me and do anything for me if I need it.  I’ve learnt that I, at times, do really like the person I’ve become.

Winter wonderland

At officially 2/3 of the way through the meterological winter it’s snowing here in Northern Ireland.  I was woken by my mother, calling after my sister had kindly told her that I’d be awake.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate her calls and love talking to her; not at all, but I need my sleep, badly, and I was just heading that way.  I would never say that I wished I’d turned my phone off, but I know that I’d be dozing happily if I had. 

I love the way fresh snow seems to float to the ground with an effortless grace, seemingly playing all the way to the bottom where it might melt away.  It’s like it enjoys the ride, all the while waiting with uncertainty to see if it’s life will continue or if it will instantly dissolve away into nothing.  Snow makes me feel fuzzy inside.  I’m not sure it’s the snow itself, that I haven’t seen it much in my life or what it represents, in that I’m on the other side of the world, where it rains relentlessly and snows a couple of weeks of the year.

It’s so pure, so white, so fluffy.  It makes me feel like putting in the ipod and going for a run, doing a workout in the snow.  That would be incredibly refreshing, incredibly invigorating and all round great fun.

Spin-a-thon…Bloody Hell.

So, I’m back.  After quite a significant absence.  Not my fault at all…bloody internet.  Now I’m reconnected with the world. 

So, of late…things go like this.  Training was well back on track – maintaining quite easily at 73 – 74ish.  Not really eating that well – been kinda up and down, mainly through inconsistent timing, poor choices and lots of booze.

Training wise, not so bad.  Was getting full into the cardio, working it hard & suffering a whole lot.  I’d swapped to another formula.  Yet another formula.  It was all going well then I got sick.  It was after Belfast’s Oktoberfest.  Was such a great, crazy, unintentional night out, but then the sickness hit.  Was well out of action, dosed with the flu for about 2 weeks. 

Stupidly I’ve signed on for a bloody spin-a-thon for the fecking Children in Need.  Everyone in the gym, well everyone who’s signed on, is doing 3 hour stints.  GI Joe & I are doing 2 hours on, 1 hour off for the whole 18 hours.  That’s 12 hours on a bike.  Nearly a whole flight from London – Hong Kong.  Bloody hell.  Been doing lots of training for it.  Worked up to 2 hours, which, when company is good is pretty easy.  Very doable.  Last Thursday, the 30th did 2 hours on, 1 off, 2 on.  Bit of a zombie-esque state at the end of it, and my head was away at work.  No wonder, burnt approximately 2200 cal that day – a whole day worth of food. 

That in itself concerns me a bit cause of the amount that I’m going to do in 12 hours.  The 2nd lot burnt more, definitely more – was harder on the body I guess, pushed a bit more cause K-C was there, motivation!  By the end of the 12 hours no doubt I’ll be working at a lower rate, but cause of the duration & intensity I’ll probably be burning more.  Probably about 7000cal for the day, maybe more.  That’s like a weeks worth of calories.  How the hell am I going to put all that in.  K-C is becoming a waitress for the day.  I’m gonna have to give her millions to cover my food/drink bill that day.

Golfing in the snow

Winter has officially, officially arrived…snow, sleet & ice coming along with it.  After a summer of constant downpours I don’t care if it’s cold.  As long as it’s bloody dry. 

This morning was really the start of it.  The onset of the big winter freeze.  The weather was to be good, but predictably Mr Weather Man was wrong.  Tuesday morning it was absolutely freezing and either sleet, rain or snow was coming down in buckets.  It was so cool, literally, to be at work, have the atmosphere suddenly go grey & murky then snow, all while inside, toasty at work.  It was wet snow, but I didn’t care.  Gazing out the windows, heavy sheets of white flowing, piling up on cars, trees, rocks, stairs – so very nice.  I wish there was snow without the cold. 

By the time Ma & I headed out for golf it was even more cold (if that is possible) but the downpour had ceased.  It was so cold.  About -17 I thought but Ma reliably informed me that it was 2 degrees & to shut up.  I was wearing all the warm stuff I own and was still cold.  We even had these great little hand warmer thingos.  You just stick em in your pocket & off you go.  They’re great.  Even better cause Handy Andy donates them (woot - free stuff) to us so we can have one each.  I kindly shared mine with Ms G one day (so nice I know) & she agrees – they are great.  They stay all toasty for 8 hours & I believe in a perfect world they would come in body size shapes.  I’m told they don’t.

These days are so drawn in

Right…this morning, fecking terrible.  Could not get up to save my life.  Actually.  That’s a big fat lie.  I snoozed once, but only made it 5 minutes into it; remembering that I had a salad to make.  Desperate for coffee.  Out of milk.  The days now are clearly shorter.  Perhaps I’ve noticed it more this morning cause it’s the first time I’ve done a 7am in a week – Amazing that something can change that much, that quickly.  Winter’s definitely arrived.  I was feeling really cold this morning – have been feeling cold a bit recently.  Maybe I’m getting skinnier!  I want coffee!

0615 – Thermobol, 250ml water

0630 – Oats & Green Tea

0730 – Coffee

0930 – Thermobol, Coffee

1230 – Chicken, ham, pineapple & cheese toastie + coffee

1545 – Promax Diet shake with 200ml water

1600 – Golf.  18 holes. 3 & ½ hours.

During golf – 2 x Nutrigrain soft bake bars

2000 – Training – 15 mins run intervals.  40:20 3%.  5 x 11kph, 5 x 11.3kph, 3 x 11.7kph (last 2 @ 45:15).  3 x 10 DB Squats (7s), 3 x 12 Standing Cable Row (27.5), 2 x 10 DB SLDL (14s), 3 x 12 Cable straight arm pulldowns (12.5), 2 x 10 LE (22.5), 2 x 5 Single Leg Squats.  5 mins bike to cool down.

2300 – Grilled steak & green veg

 

For the Love Of God – what the hell am I doing?  Felt at times today as though there were/are saner people locked in the local loony bin.  Played with SC today – was quite good really.  Putting is definitely the downfall here.  Had pars on the 14th, 15th & 16th.  Was very happy with the 16th – drove down to the tree, then hit a ‘miracle shot’ from just left behind the tree to about 7m from the hole.  2 putt.  Nice.  another MS from the trees near the 15th tee box to beside the 18th green.  Crap chip on then convincing 2 putt.  Happy enough. 

 

Trained after golf.  The run was good, but my right shin is a bit sore, again.  More tight feeling, rather than a sharp pain…icing will help.  Legs, I can’t say that I really pushed on the legs, but was happy with my one leg squats.  Got to the level of the bench, will gradually get lower; but base strength is there.  And it’s good.  More than I thought.  Really pushed for all the weights, although the intensity probably wasn’t as high as what it could have been.  Not 100%.  Fuck.

 

Went shopping again tonight, brought the right stuff – there were no mangos, so I got some tinned black cherries & some bramley apple sauce for my oats.  Still need to do some firming up on the diet though.  I didn’t eat anywhere near enough today – although I had carbs for lunch (toastie) as planned.  Work was the main killer in my eating plan today.  Busy as hell.  Run off my feet.

 

Plan for tomorrow – train early (hour spin), work 11 – 3, maybe golf, work 6 – 8.  Working a split cause I forgot I was working short hours today & booked appointments for later in the shift.  May call them to change the appointments – but then work performance would be down.  I have to follow through.

 

In pursuit of perfection!